Stop

It all started with a kiss.

I remember standing so close to you,

My heart racing as our lips met.

It was simple,

It was romantic,

It was...

Innocent.

But your hands,

Previously resting on my back,

Suddenly moved to places I didn’t want them to be.

My hands,

Moments before resting on your shoulders,

Reacted quickly to defend me against the hands that were attacking.

I remember,

As your unexpected actions took me by surprise,

The feeling of butterflies forming in my stomach,

But not the common kind that make you smile nervously

And laugh stupidly;

These were a different kind of butterflies.

They weren’t there just to fly around aimlessly inside of me,

Filling me with light-headed, harmless happiness;

Instead,

Each individual butterfly found a nice place in my stomach to perch themselves on,

One by one,

And began to feast.

Carnivorous butterflies,

Eating me from the inside out

And tearing me apart.

Butterflies that made me overwhelmingly nervous and sick and scared

All at the same time

As my head continued to spin uncontrollably...

Stop.

I didn’t say it out loud,

But I was screaming it over and over inside my head,

Shrieking my useless cries,

Cries that somehow weren’t being transferred from my head into yours

As your hands fought back against mine,

Winning easily against my powerless attempts.

Why can’t you hear me?

I’m begging you inside my head,

I’m telling you with my body that I don’t want this,

And I don’t have the strength to be any more clear.

Far too frightened to use my voice,

Worried you’ll tell me I’m wrong,

While terrified that you won’t hear the pleading inside my head.

Stop.

I can’t get that single, simple word out

As your innocent kiss abruptly turned to one that was

Too rough,

Too touchy,

Too pushy,

Too much.

I don’t want your tongue in my mouth,

I don’t want your hands on my body...

I did not give you permission to touch my body like that.

I did not allow you to take control of my body.

You have no right to claim my body

As if it is an object;

It is not yours.

I’m pushing you away as best I can,

But my efforts are hopeless.

All too quickly I’ve lost the feeling of that simplicity,

That romance,

That innocence...

My heart is still racing,

No longer from anticipation and excitement,

But from fear and panic.

I want you to get the hell off of me,

Get the hell away from me,

But I don’t have any more strength to keep trying and failing to push you away.

Every time I pull away from you,

All you do is pull me right back.

There is no chance of escaping.

I turn my head from your unwanted lips,

But you won’t let me get away from your grasp.

You dismiss my weak struggle to break free,

My struggle to make you leave me alone;

As if my fight for freedom means absolutely nothing to you,

And you care more about your own personal pleasure

Than my personal comforts...

And—

You’re stronger than me.

You have more power than I do,

And you know how to take advantage of my vulnerability,

How to manipulate me without even having me be aware of you doing so.

And you...

You aren’t the one

Who

Wants

To

Stop.