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Spiralling Thoughts

My Mental Health

By Goddess MarsPublished 6 years ago 5 min read
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I continue to spiral without hesitation without a decrease in speed I fall. Plummeting down to the earth as if I’m a rogue space shuttle never ending fear of falling endlessly into the abyss of our world. My heart aches with every breath of cold lifeless air. Every heartbeat leading me closer and closer to my own demise. I cannot stop. Self loathing self hating unworthy I fall. Until there is nothing left but doubt doubt that I cannot be what I’ve dreamed to be on multiple nights. Trying to free myself from the internal pain that no one else is responsible for but myself. Trying to slow my breath down to what seems normal because I no longer know normal breaths only the tightened fearful anxious breathing I do on a daily basis. My mind alone because I chose to believe that no one is capable of love for me...in my vessel I’m useless worthless and alone. Waiting for someone a saviour to rescue me when it is I that must resurrect myself. When I am the only one with power unable to see the true energy that lies within my spirit which may be frail and weak but that is what has and will continue to power me. Trying to convert my frail personality into something that is strong and impenetrable someone that isn’t willing to spend their entire existence fighting themselves. A gift and a curse. Strong empath weak mind. I hide beneath my mask daily smiling and laughing as if to find glimpses in moments of time where I am actually content maybe even happy. I am broken perhaps not to the point of being unreparable but it sure feels that way right now. Hope is a beautiful emotion a feeling but hopelessness is enough to destroy a person's self journey. Repeating telling myself I have worth beyond any measure that I am valued that I am loved that I am beautiful that I am wanted and unique throwing words at a brain made out of rubber continuously bouncing them back conveying them into the opposite. A bouncy ball wanting to change its trajectory but in every bounce it returns to where it was thrown. Unable to dismount. Knowing there are humans who have gone through much greater of a feat and come out renewed and empowered. Knowing full well that I am blessed for what I have yet not using it to its full potential. I know that the old me who was unaffected and believed in happiness who had hope for the future is still deep beneath all my new layers but communicating with her is like trying to communicate with someone at the other end of the universe with only a flashlight as a way of sending a message through time and space so great it feels as if she is gone forever but at the same time waiting just beneath the surface to burst like a phoenix from its ashes. I am that Phoenix that is in my dreams it must be me. Soaring above carefree the symbol of life everlasting I soar freely. Energy as pure as the third eye could see. Programmed for self hate. Programmed by myself who then threw away the codes the codes to regain my joie de vivre. I know we all wear masks in some shape or form. We must it is the only way to be. Wether it be putting on a smile at work when you really aren’t happy or keeping your head up while dealing with tragedy loss. We all do it. Being free to feel whatever it is you are feeling in that moment wherever you are or whatever you are doing would be pure bliss. No longer having to hide or bite my lip but to just say what's on your mind negative or positive. Your truth. Truly speaking and feeling your truth every minute of everyday would be intensely freeing. The truth hurts when spoken to a person that doesn’t want to hear it but honestly should hear it. That person knows down to their core what their truth is and it's even harder when a stranger or a loved one spills their truth on how they view your life path life decisions. Facing your inner demons all in an instance triggered by someone else's words other than your own. Some will always chose to ignore and some will chose to face it. Every step in the right direction could be one in the wrong. But how could one ever know if one does not walk. If one does not take a leap of faith. Faith isn’t only having faith in god or faith in another human being but having faith in one self. Define Faith; complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Yet nowhere in that definition does it say having faith in your own spirit to guide you to what your journey is meant to be and while doing so having full confidence in such a path. If God created all then does that mean we are all descendants of Gods that we in our core DNA have that of ever powerful creators. If we are in-fact so lucky against every single odd that our civilization is blessed enough to be put in the middle of a solar system floating through an endless and vast vacuum with all the right elements to survive and we ourselves are made of those such elements we are truly Gods and Goddesses made of remnants of stars.

surreal poetry
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