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Soulless and Asking for It

Little girl, it’s not your fault.

By Violetta SkyePublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Your soul flutters away as your heart hits the floor

You aren’t the same girl you were the day before

Before you found his wicked ways

Before you screamed and cried to yourself for days

Before you could finally sleep in your own bed again

Your brain and heart shattered and the glass hit the floor with a smash

Everyday you wake up you feel a heaviness in your chest

You can barely breathe

You are nauseous

Everyone says it’s not your fault

That it could never be your fault

But what if it is

You feel these thoughts ripping away at you and burning you alive until finally you boil over and the water from you hits the stove and you hear the sizzles and the steam blasts you in the face but you feel no burning

Numbness returns and for once you know why it has washed over you like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer

All you wished is that you could be angry instead of whatever this is

But all you get is numbness and staring off into space as you try to forget this place because for once you would rather be anywhere over being on this earth and it’s killing you because there’s nothing to do but sit and watch the fire in your eyes die as you stare at your reflection more uncomfortable than ever because you were exactly what he wanted

Maybe you were asking for it when you wore those short shorts

Or when you wore the tank top that hung low

Or when you fell asleep after exhausting your energy to the fullest extent with multiple sleepless nights because your brain never likes to shut off

Insomnia didn’t come that night as you fell into the deepest sleep you have ever had

legs draped across his lap because you trusted him not to touch them

He was your best friend he knew his boundaries

He would never do anything to hurt you

You kept this thought in mind as he woke you up to move you to the bed

Still groggy you wobbled your legs as your walked beside him leaning into him for stability

He placed you in the bed and helped you put pajamas on not daring to look down at your bare chest

Everything goes black

You wake up because you feel cold and wet at the same time

You spring up and see a puddle on the bed

You start panicking as you realize you are drenched in your own urine and something sticky

You sprint to the bath tub turn it on as hot as possible and sink into the tub to hide your shame

You escape the tub skin red because you were scrubbing so hard

Not knowing what had just happened

You remove the sheets and place towels on the bed and place a sheet over the towels to hide them

Then you sink into a deep slumber not knowing what has happened and he doesn’t tell you the full story of how it happened until it has driven you mad

With nights of sleeping in other peoples beds, home, and stiff couches that cause you more pain than he did

You recorded him saying it but now what

That night you destroyed all evidence because you were ashamed of being an 18 year old who wet the bed

Now what will you do

Articles and counseling groups online say you just learn to go back to the way you were before

That you start feeling comfortable in your own skin with time

But who’s got time for that when you choke on the very air you breathe every morning when you wake up in that god awful bed because you were dreaming of him again

sad poetry
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