Soulless and Asking for It
Little girl, it’s not your fault.
Your soul flutters away as your heart hits the floor
You aren’t the same girl you were the day before
Before you found his wicked ways
Before you screamed and cried to yourself for days
Before you could finally sleep in your own bed again
Your brain and heart shattered and the glass hit the floor with a smash
Everyday you wake up you feel a heaviness in your chest
You can barely breathe
You are nauseous
Everyone says it’s not your fault
That it could never be your fault
But what if it is
You feel these thoughts ripping away at you and burning you alive until finally you boil over and the water from you hits the stove and you hear the sizzles and the steam blasts you in the face but you feel no burning
Numbness returns and for once you know why it has washed over you like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer
All you wished is that you could be angry instead of whatever this is
But all you get is numbness and staring off into space as you try to forget this place because for once you would rather be anywhere over being on this earth and it’s killing you because there’s nothing to do but sit and watch the fire in your eyes die as you stare at your reflection more uncomfortable than ever because you were exactly what he wanted
Maybe you were asking for it when you wore those short shorts
Or when you wore the tank top that hung low
Or when you fell asleep after exhausting your energy to the fullest extent with multiple sleepless nights because your brain never likes to shut off
Insomnia didn’t come that night as you fell into the deepest sleep you have ever had
legs draped across his lap because you trusted him not to touch them
He was your best friend he knew his boundaries
He would never do anything to hurt you
You kept this thought in mind as he woke you up to move you to the bed
Still groggy you wobbled your legs as your walked beside him leaning into him for stability
He placed you in the bed and helped you put pajamas on not daring to look down at your bare chest
Everything goes black
You wake up because you feel cold and wet at the same time
You spring up and see a puddle on the bed
You start panicking as you realize you are drenched in your own urine and something sticky
You sprint to the bath tub turn it on as hot as possible and sink into the tub to hide your shame
You escape the tub skin red because you were scrubbing so hard
Not knowing what had just happened
You remove the sheets and place towels on the bed and place a sheet over the towels to hide them
Then you sink into a deep slumber not knowing what has happened and he doesn’t tell you the full story of how it happened until it has driven you mad
With nights of sleeping in other peoples beds, home, and stiff couches that cause you more pain than he did
You recorded him saying it but now what
That night you destroyed all evidence because you were ashamed of being an 18 year old who wet the bed
Now what will you do
Articles and counseling groups online say you just learn to go back to the way you were before
That you start feeling comfortable in your own skin with time
But who’s got time for that when you choke on the very air you breathe every morning when you wake up in that god awful bed because you were dreaming of him again
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