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*Sigh* Fuck It...

Here's the truth...

Do you know?

Tears are streaming down my #face... 😭
and I'm not even going to look for # Kleenex (in this place).

I'm gonna use it as ink... let the pen... 🖋📝🧠💭 think.

#fuckit I'll strike these keys, instead... make the pain, my next Vocal piece; Instead of letting this shit, bring me to my knees. Psst!
Are you listening?

I'm going to stand up again.
And not take this as a loss... but as a win.

I get it (this is you)
and no amount of taking will, change this, too

It is what it is...
fuck it

All I want I do... is live.
And smile, through my tears... as I look back (on all the years)
gone by...

on the people who loved me
kind of, maybe...
and all the happiness and/or pain they've caused me

and I'm ok with it...
fuck it.

Yea I'm bleeding (on the inside) but that's always been the case... hasn't it

I have no fear of time...

Cause who knows where the time goes

in this Fairport Convention.
And this shit-show called life,

I know, they're riding you again,
pressuring you to move out,
and figure out your life;
or asking what your plans are
and if you've, "taken Mia out for pee yet... or gotten her shots lately," because..." you have to be  more responsible for yourself... and she's your Dog."

And they don't see your plan,
that you're trying your best to pay for rent when you can and
you need someone to encourage,
not spoon feed, or come down on you.
Just love you, any way they can, Boo...

See? Despite what you think, kid... I'm the only one that knows you...

You and I both know what we've been through.
Plus... I'm right too.
That's why  I don't wanna fight, Ky...
I just wanna stop crying.

All the time...

or wondering why, despite my trying to glue it back together, and
even be friends, it... still goes wrong.

Wait... don't stop reading. It's not the same old song.
I promise. I'm not gonna bitch, or tell you where you went wrong.
Because I've learned that's not how I get through to you...
it's how you shut down, and go missing four months to a year, boo.
Trying to figure out exactly what to do...
because you're tired of feeling like you're on the outside.
Tired of lying, to please them, and having to hide...
Isn't that true?

Or poking a needle through your abdomen skin, wondering if someday the Diabetes will win, and take your life...
Rick N Morty trying to regulate the pirates of the pancreas
(causing your strife)

Wreaking havoc in your body and making you sick!
Making you miserable and depressed
Wanting to give up, because this shit has you STRESSED.
All the low blood sugar, spikes, dizziness, vomiting and spins...
and the hot and cold flashes like your mood swings.
Which caused you to crack the TV in half
And do horrible things...

But I know you...
I remember you,
Dancing the bachata at the bus stop, in that Taco shirt too... LOL!
The one you ruined or gave away to little John like the Crook and Castles sweatshirt, that I love... the same way you love pop art.

My beautiful brown-eyed Andy Warhol,
you are a work of Art.
without doubt, you're a beautiful being.
The most amazing soul I've ever met one of the best I've seen.
And you've changed my life, for the better, despite your mistakes,
and I'm done being bitter.

Because you broke my heart...
I know you didn't mean to,
and it tears me apart...
knowing the ways I chose to...
deal... with my hurt, when you left.

Even though you never slept with anyone else, but, me...
I'll admit... I wasn't always my best.
But I'm trying to be...
to be honest, I don't know what you want from me...
but I know that I love what we have you and me.

I'm not going to pretend I don't love you, because I love Mitch too,
so... I'll love you both, even though, you might think it's NOT cool.
Because, it hurts inside, for me.
Pretending to be, someone else... instead of who I was meant to be,

when all we want is to be is loved...
and to be ourselves.
For people to stop putting us through a proverbial hell
with rules, expectations and criticizing shit.
And have love, fill our souls with light, despite it.

Someone to be there... when stuff goes to shit!
To Ride or Die, and roll together (no matter what we are) and who did it...
Because this world doesn't give two fucks.
It's not about chance and it's not about luck.
No one gets it.
But I do...
And I know you do too.

Even though you've never learned, how to show love,
or express your true feelings, boo
I can read your mind...
because (even though you might not want to hear this Mitch)
Kyle and I? Are two of a kind.

We both have a family, who's unsure how to love us.
Because the put their own shit and people above us.
A lot of broken pieces, and tears... that's exactly how we found us.

It's not a competition... I'm just trying to tell you, brother,
I get this Kid, excuse me, man. And I spent nearly five years of my life, sacrificing EVERYTHING with him.

So I'll never let go, no matter who the fuck I'm with, or who tells me so...
because when I say I'll love someone forever I mean that shit bro.

Just like how I mean it when I tell you.
No, I'm not fucked up,
I'm bi-sexual, polyamorous and bi-polar too.
And I believe in authentic love, that's why despite your fuckery I still love you.

I mean, I fucking love you, all...
Claudia,  you, and Mitch too... past and present fuck man! All of you.
Don't fucking make me have to choose.

I just want to be loved.
Completely.
By the people, who have in their own way, rode and died with me...
without all the rules.

And I hope... if not now, you can be OK with it, too
So please, Bae...

Please (stop breaking my heart).
And I promise... I will too.
I'll stop trying to tear you apart.
And I swear, I'll keep it real with you,
like it's always been,
Cuz I love you, Boo.

It's not about who loses...
or about who Wins.
It's about the beginning, baby
not how this shit ends.

Whether you rather be enemies, lovers or friends.
I prefer if you stayed,
but, that all the depends

on if you want to...
whether you finally think, "I'm worth it"

and are willing to put it in, some effort, too.

But no pressure, I'm not here to push you.
As I said, when I love someone forever
That shit's TRUE.

And, I love, without conditions,
I'm sure you know this too.
So, love me for who I am, right now.
Instead of hating me for who I was, because
I didn't know how to deal with... what you or I were going through.
I told you, I've dealt with addiction, with Paddy, and that fucking chick Sue, and lest we forget that shit killed Marlena, another love of my life... also killed my ex-dude.

Yet... we did it together!
Geez, we were stupid boo,
because we couldn't do this...
Talk about the pain, instead of sabotaging our shit.

Fuck! I'm sorry...
even though you say your fine, and you still love me.
Buddy... I can see you... hurting.
and still, blame me.

And I get that too...
there's nothing I can do to fix that boo.
Because I don't live in the past...
I don't walk on water and my slippers aren't made of glass.

This is what I mean, Bae this is WHO I am...
I'm flawed, and broken from the all these things,
I've experienced and seen.

Many have clipped my wings... you know what I mean?
and the shit I did...
I know... that despite what I've said, you're not to blame.
I know I'm not either, but it's hard to explain...
That I hated myself, as much as you, hated you.
And still, carry the guilt of transgressions past...feelings of sadness from all the shit we went through.

The people who hurt you...
The pain of past lovers, with no names, who desert you.
You know what I mean, Boo?
Excuse me, babe... 

I mean, *phew...
Sometimes, I still see us, together, back then
as my man, and my loyal most trusted friend.
Who still took a chance on a MilF like me...
I mean, your younger than me.
Fuck, when Nirvana was out
you were still swimming in your dad's balls as seeds
Guess that's why I say it.
It still feels like, back then, when it was just you and me in it,

Fuck it,
I love you forever.
Maybe in another life, we were meant to be together.
I probably might not be your wife, still... don't be bitter
Because, it's not goodbye, I promise. I'm with you for life.

I'm asking you for a favour, now...
I mean...
If you can do this.

Love me for who I am, not for who I've been.
Don't worry about, Mitch or Claudia, Jessica, Paddy or Steve
or any of the people I still love from my past or present scene.

Just Love... me,
It's in you.
I know, because I've SEEN, boo...
that day when I met you at that intersection.
(waiting for the bus)

And that night... showered you with french kisses... and forbidden affection... and lust.
Pure light.
That's why I didn't give a fuck about being older than you and
stayed for five years... despite your moods, and our fights...
through some REAL DEEP shit.
When all your fickle friends, departed... I've stayed with you,
Ride or Die... and went through it. True?

I won't spill your business,
because if anyone's been reading the last few poems,
they'll bear witness.

See... readers?
This isn't fiction,
This is actually, my...
our lives...

So pay attention.
Whether you choose to see it though judgmental eyes...
It's up to you, I don't really care what the fuck you do.

Dear readers, society, or anyone else, judging and trying to determine our wealth, and worth... fuck'em too... babe all I care about is the people who love me (and you).

So I'm going to give you the same advice, you once gave me then, boo...
 "Be happy... be yourself." and "fuck all the rules."
Don't let anyone else, determine your worth,
You have been divine... since birth.

I'm saying... YOU MATTER!!! And you KNOW your WORTH~xo
And no amount of opinions will change that, Boo.
Not any on earth.

You're an artist and a freak, and sex God too... I think about our safe word and our antics, and I slightly leak...
I'll never forget the night you tied my ass to the bed and we fucked...
50 Shades of Grey.
As you choked...
And I sucked...
Well, you get what I'm trying to say.

Few others have made me feel that way.
And don't ever change that beautiful face.
That sparkle that I fell in love with
and still adore... that shine, in you, even when you're being like shit...
because that's unconditional love.

You love someone despite their flaws,
Even when they don't obey loves laws.
And understand... you love them anyway even when the world falls to pieces and crumbled through your hands...

Even when you know they're not perfect...
You embrace that brokenness.
Don't put it back together.

Love all the aspects of you...
In the same way, we did, when we were together.

I will always...
Do you hear me? Always... always... love... you.
Even though I've never really known, how...
or stayed to show you.
😭😭😭😭
©️ Inure Muse... r.b.+ k.e 💋

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