Siblingery

I can’t explain why it pains me so much.

I miss Bodhi.

His laugh, his smile,

him singing along with me to his favorite song,

"7 years" by Lukas Graham.

I miss his hugs and playing Minecraft together.

Running around playing all sorts of stuff.

He’s my little man,

I helped raise him.

Mommy #2.

I remember one time,

before I moved out;

way before I moved out —

Bodhi and I were sitting in the backyard, messing about as usual.

After a while we sat down and started to play with the grass.

He and I were talking about stuff I can’t really recall,

but I do remember having him sit in my lap.

I needed to tell him something that had been on my mind.

“I love you, Bodhi, you know that?”

He looked up at me and I watched his smile fade.

“I guess so,” he responded.

“Well, I do. I love you so much, little man,

I know that I’m not the best big sister,

I might not always show my care.

I know I can be mean, I’m snappy, I’ve hurt you…”

At this point, I look at him and he’s crying,

“But I’m going to work on it, okay?

You’re one of the most important people in my life,

I want to be able to help you grow. I love you.”

Needless to say, I’m not doing the best.

When I visit, I don’t stay long,

I hear the hurt in his voice when he asks why I’m leaving.

I see the pain in his eyes when I go to walk away.

It hurts me, too.

I mess up a lot.

I know how much he looks up to me,

I’m not the best role model.

I have hurt him, yelled,

said things I didn’t mean but I love him to death.

I hope someday he reads this,

I want my little brother to know he means the world to me.

And if I could, I would take him as mine.

I think about you every day, Bodhi.

-August 14, 2016