Shadows Never Fair

It’s not fair that my mental illness can’t handle it

It’s not fair that I only feel anything when I’m scandalous

It’s not fair that people only listen when it comes to death

It’s not fair that I have to inhabit it

If it wasn’t for all the times I quit

If it wasn’t for it pleading the fifth

I’d become something, someone

But with all the opportunities it made me miss

I’ll be lucky to be alive at the end of this

I could be graduated, in my career

I could still be in love with the girl I now wish was still here

I could be all of my dreams come true but I have to tame my demons

It’s nothing new

I breathe for them

I ache and bleed for them

I wish they were pretend

Yes they’re in my head

but it’s more than a chemical imbalance

There’s so much more to my sadness

This outlook no one would adore

But I’m attracted to it like a magnet

No I don’t love these challenges

No I don’t romance these disadvantages

When I take my meds I’m trying to rid of the thoughts they said

Yet the overwhelming power of the Voices makes a life of dread

Wake up every morning

Suffer in my mourning

I’m losing myself in my illness and there’s nothing I can do but watch my goals take on warping

Of course I have aspirations

Of course I want things

Of course I don’t want a 9-5 job making minimum wage

But I don’t get to write my own pages

It takes the pen away like it’s my agent

You’re going to be scared of this today

You’re never going to be okay

You’re happiness will fade away

Nothing in your life ever stays

Be numb, drink something

Feel the world crumbling beneath you

Get high to get by

Let the thoughts defeat you

Overcome you

Become you

They are you

Now, what will you do?

Will you succumb to never being you

Or are you not a fruitless fool?

Demand a battle

Every day will have to do

Don’t live in your own shadow

Because your shadows not really you