Shadow Self

I am ready to self-destruct

I welcome it

With open everything

I want to bathe in ice cream

And watch the sun rise at the end of long nights

That I stayed awake through for no good reason

I want to hide from the sun in my room

Or wander aimlessly through the city for hours

No destination

Many desires

A kleptomaniac glint in the corner of my eye

I want to hide from all responsibilities

And watch my world crumble

Neglecting everything

With a lump in my throat

And fear battling the apathy in my eyes

I want to scare myself

Into waking up

But it's not working yet

So I'll just let things fester a while longer

Maybe

This is awful, but it takes less effort

Than trying to put everything back together

Perhaps I'll try out 90s grunge

And miss an exam

Stealing nail polish and chokers from WalMart

Or perhaps I'll take a bus to nowhere

And sleep there

Under the stars

And pray that the street people don't try to initiate me into their clan

Perhaps I'll get really drunk

At a place where I can't afford to get really drunk

And run into a drug dealer

And try something seriously dangerous

But I doubt it

That would take a lot of money and effort

Things I don't typically spare

Even if I can

I don't want to self-destruct

But if I claim I chose to

It's as if I'm in control

And I am

I can fix this

But I don't

So to explain why

I say that I won't

And that makes everything so much worse

And so, much, better