Sept. 25, 2016

"I can feel my heart breaking more and more..."

I can feel my heart breaking more and more with each second that passes. 

The gnawing feeling in my gut that something is wrong, grows with each breath I take. 

I know. 

Deep down I know it’s coming.

 The ending I feared, an ending at all. 

It's almost funny to think that just a few days ago I sat here with butterflies in my stomach, reading and rereading the sweet, sweet words you sent to me. 

Now, I sit here again because of you, but for a different reason. 

No words spoken at all. 

Like I don’t even exist. Like I don’t even matter. 

How quickly the mind can change things, feelings. 

It’s a powerful thing. 

I'm overthinking every word, every action of the last 396 days. 

Was it a dream? 

A beautiful lie? 

It's hard to believe any of it was real anymore. 

How didn’t I see it sooner? 

I'm mad at myself, at you. 

I'm just mad. 

You turned out to be everything you promised you wouldn’t. 

You turned out to be just like the others. 

You hid it better, and for longer, I'll give you that. 

But facts are facts. 

You don’t care. 

Words are merely words again. 

Nothing more, nothing less. 

Only words, empty words. 

Why even utter them at all? 

Did you think you were saving me? Helping me? 

Or maybe you just thought you would benefit more from me if I thought you actually loved me? 

Why? Why do this to me? 

Why when everything seemed to be getting better? 

All seemed right again, but it was just an illusion. 

What a great magician you are. 

I barely even noticed. 

Bravo. 

Don’t be offended if I hold the applause. 

I'm so angry I can feel it coursing through my veins. 

Pumping my heart with every beat. 

I'm so angry I almost want you to hurt as much as you're hurting me. 

But truly I don’t, but almost, because despite the facts, I love you. 

I do, and the truth of that makes me want to hate you even more, makes me even more furious at myself, at you. 

You’ve broken me. 

Piece by piece, I feel myself slipping away into nothingness. 

I can't believe I allowed myself to be here again. 

I should’ve known better, taken more precautions. 

I'm flawed, and trying to find the good in demons is my biggest one. 

Does that mean I'm partly to blame? Am I to blame for this sorrow? 

I should’ve stayed away, but when have I ever done what I should have? 

I should've listened to them. 

They warned me. 

I thought I knew you better though, better than them. 

How stupid was I? 

I hope it brings a smile to your face knowing that I'm hurting. 

This is what you want right? My sadness.

Well its all yours. 

These tears have your name etched into every single one. 

Why? Was I a game to you? A prize? 

Some prize... you’ve ruined me now, and to be honest, I don’t think I'll be able to love again. 

I don’t think I even want to, cause with love comes great pain, and I can no longer endure it. 

I don’t know...

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Sept. 25, 2016