Self Destruction

*Going all the way down*

When you start to self destruct you look for ways out... You end up pushing people away, looking for people to help you, but you know that you're on your own. You know you have to do it on your own... You have to push everyone away so they don't get hurt, or at least not more than they already are... all because of you...

Lose Myself

Do you care if I’m crying alone at night?

Do you care about being the first and last thing on my mind each and every day and night?

Do you care if all I can think about is you?

Does it even matter anymore?

What if I told you I wanted to end it all?

What if I told you I still want to hurt myself?

What if I told you I wanted to walk out in this blizzard and lose myself?

Freeze myself to death...

Forget about the world and go numb?

What If?

What if I told you about all the thoughts I had while in the shower?

The countless times I’ve wanted to say fuck this promise and do it?

What if I told you I wanted to just line my thigh with the razor?

Nobody would ever know either

What if I told you about the time I got so close to?

When I was shaving my legs and had a meltdown in the shower?

Falling to the tub floor...

Crying into my palms….

What if I told you I’ve had these thoughts for over a week?

What would you say?

Would you even care?

Because I can’t hold onto this promise…

Knowing what has happened...

Desperately wanting to feel okay...

Blaming myself for every little thing...

Crying myself to sleep at night...

Lining my thighs with the tip of my fingers...

Thinking of each and every direction I could go in..

Following the path of my stretch-marks..

Nobody would ever know..

Not even you..

What do I do?

What am I suppose to do?

Go up to you and tell you I have these thoughts?

What would you do?...

Tell me I’m dumb for having them?

I know that, okay?

Tell me I shouldn’t feel this way?

Well I do...

Should I even go up to you and tell you?

Do you even wanna know?

Do you even remember the promise?

I'm sorry

I'm sorry but I'm not as strong as you think I am

I'm not a tree...

I can't continue to grow, I'm dying...

I can't keep picking myself up every time...

Feeling as if I should stay knocked down...

I'm sorry but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this promise

I don't want you to see me as weak, but I'm unsure whether or not I can do this anymore...

I'll understand if you can't forgive me

I'll understand if you see me as weak

I'll understand if you want to look down on me because I can't be as strong as you want me to be

But, I can't keep playing this role

I can't continue being the person who never breaks down

I can't be the girl you want me to be

I need to focus on myself but it's so hard getting these fucking thoughts out!

It's hard not to act on them...

It's hard to get them out of my mind...

How would you react if I told you this?

I know you said you don't want me to do this because you "care" about me

But how can you care about me if everything has changed?

If nothing's the same anymore? and you know it's true...

Guilty

When I trace my thighs with my fingers...

When I think of all the pain I caused you...

You'll tell me to fight my thoughts...

But sometimes it's hard...

The guilt eats me up inside...

I can't help but think of everything I would've, should've, and could've done differently...

Tell them.

So tell them all..

Let them all know what I’ve thought

Read all my writings

Tell them about the countless times I’ve cried...

Tell them about the nights I’ve wanted to hurt

Tell them about the nights we've spent

Tell them about all the little secrets

Tell them everything

End of the day it doesn’t matter

It shouldn’t anyways

If that’s what you think is right

Then do it

I’ll trust you...

But I won’t be here to watch it

I’ll be far away from this place

Thinking of what to do next...