Safe Haven

I understand it's "just a joke."

To you and everyone else it's funny,

but I feel

trapped,

small,

vulnerable.

I muster up a smile and a head nod

hoping that nobody notices I'm

not okay.

And the conversation continues.

People don't understand how I feel,

they don't even know what I've been through.

How could they?

I'll tell you this,

school shootings happen and they're

nothing to joke about.

Kids lose their innocence,

their feeling of safety,

and those close to them.

A safe haven is then a place to avoid,

and the environment once pure

is now full of rage and uncertainty.

And you can't help but wonder,

why?

Why my town?

Why my school?

Why my peers?

As life moves on questions are left unanswered,

and fear and hurt are pushed aside.

You have to finish your education after all.

I can't tell people about the absolute

scariest moment of my life without an awkward silence

or an "I'm so sorry that happened to you."

Therefore,

I don't.

And I push my fear and hurt further and further

towards the bottom of my heart.

I push my emotions so far down that I feel

trapped,

small,

and vulnerable.

It was made clear that therapy is always an option,

but do I really want to be asked

"how are you doing today?" and "what's new?"

Trust me I've been there before and all I learned was

how to avoid thinking about issues in my life.

I learned to ignore how I really felt and was taught to

forget.

Put your thoughts in a box

and place them on the highest shelf.

This will help you to not think about your pain.

Imagine yourself building a brick wall around your thought,

that way it can never escape.

And image yourself writing your thought on a leaf,

then place it in a river so that it may drift away

never to be seen again.

This way pain and sadness can be boxed up and stored,

because if it is out of sight,

it is out of mind.

Things have a way of resurfacing.

Feelings aren't meant to be evaded

and if you think the issue is resolved,

oooh just wait.

I am a ticking time bomb.

And the longer I hold this back

the more captured I feel.

Captured by actions that were out of my control.