“Rise of the Phoenix”

“rise of the phoenix.”

self-discovery is a beautiful thing,

and it’s also terrifying, challenging,

overwhelming, scary.

for years, i stuffed it down;

tried to be that perfect person;

the one i truly could never be,

because she doesn’t exist.

through that process of attempting the impossible;

i lost myself, i lost my way, i nearly destroyed myself.

i tried to fit in the box,

to do my faith “perfectly,”

to strive for the white-washed, heteronormative dream,

husband and wife, two kids,

picket fences,

praying hourly, abolishing swearing from my vocabulary,

shrinking myself away, hiding behind an ill-fitting mask,

to be who i was expected to be;

stifling those feelings of deep attraction,

passion for,

& the desires for deep, intimate, honest,

romantic relationships with women,

wanting to embellish my body

in beautiful ways,

though not always in society’s norms;

more tattoos, piercings, funky hair colors,

all part of allowing myself freedom,

the freedom to be me,

an authentic me, not the me reflective of society’s and my family’s examples,

of what is right,

what is acceptable, what is “normal.”

it’s been a mere few days,

since coming out,

fully, openly, not as what my perceptions deemed “acceptable,” as an ally, or a bisexual woman,

but as the fucking fantastic,

magical unicorn lesbian woman,

the me i’ve always been inside,

but never let show;

and while i am learning firsthand,

how cruel and nasty and judgemental people can be, of what they don’t understand,

and just how disadvantageous life can be,

if you don’t fit those heteronormative norms,

that fear of you, and downright hatred

can be part of that new normal,

but i can say, no matter how hard it’s been to say it,

living my truth, exploring queer culture,

and what it means to live as a strong woman,

grounded in her truths,

living a life of freedom,

is the greatest gift of all.