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You let reintroduced animosity sucker-punch you, wanting to like it,
But the hurt didn’t hurt the same.
Why are you so angry?
Why are you so sad?
Your best friend is lip balm
And the bag of cocaine that you
Told yourself you wouldn’t buy.
I’m worried about you.
Should you be worried too?
But you brush it off
Like a bad day.
Bones bad or just sick?
They’re all right.
Just don’t serve them to the party.
Don’t let yourself go.
Don’t let yourself go there.
There is no try.
But there was no action,
Only an annihilating hope.
Hope that you pushed aside.
Because it wasn’t welcome here.
And you started to lie
To everyone again.
But what’s one night of rancid normality?
I don’t judge.
I’m not your parent.
You wish you still had them.
You didn’t even play by the rules
Of the devils’ playground
Your open hands burned
Under the cold water thrust upon you,
Trying to wash away your sins
The ethereal sins of choice
You still don’t understand the word
You retraced scars until they bled again
And the monster bit you,
Needle teeth providing the best you ever had.
Even though it didn’t feel the same as last time.
You related to the biohazard disposal,
Kissing it for luck.
Know that you are loved,
No matter what.
Hold your breath
And the world spins,
But you’re still here.
The sweet toxic powder that you relied on,
Relied on for help,
Provided no assistance.
You wish you could cry.
But botanical assassins robbed you of any hydration and self-care that you had left.
You begged for comfortability from the poisonous king.
But he only fed you untruths that you
Praised in your naïveté.
Your choices continued to rob the beauty of your soul.
A burglary welcomed by stupidity of an empty heart.
Somehow theft of the self felt more excusable.
Until the morning,
When you realized your solitude was a party for one that you hated,
With your entire soul.
Life, Elan, world and connection you loved,
A conditional ardency that you wanted to be rid of.
But you continued to sip your blight,
As if you would never have it again.
And even though your heartbeat was angry,
It was gentle.
Something you didn’t understand.
Something you didn’t want to understand.
Because it meant you are still you,
An intimacy that whispered your self-murders to sleep.
A scapegoat that made your eyes wake in the morning.
Here is where you are,
Here is where you are supposed to be,
You may despise it,
You may detest your existence.
But you are here.
Kiss it better,
You are stronger than you know.