Rejected Love

I am so damaged. I am so complicated.

Perhaps being damaged and complicated are the reasons I cannot be loved the way I would like.

I believe he is the love of my life even though that so naive to say or a phase you go through when you're in high school as other people would put it. "You believe every boy you come across is the love of your life and you are going to marry them simply because of the lame words they feed you."

I could say it's different with him but then someone would find some way to say that I am just a child and I do not even know what love is.

Love is feeling at home with a complete stranger.

Being put through pain and heartache is the way of life. Some people can shake it off right away and for others it can affect them for the rest of their life. I have no hope to fall in love or to emotionally connected with any human being. I cannot, I will not trust anyone. It is one of my hardest battles. I have tried and I always get screwed over because I give too much.

I can honestly say I do not think love will come my way because I refuse to let anyone in. It is way to hard for me to give that side of me to anyone really. A boy could give me everything I have wanted but I will turn them away as soon as they show interest in me. They will call me beautiful and I can say thank you but I choose to say I am not, please stop lying to me. They tell me I am the calmest person they've met and I simply call myself psycho. They tell me they want to have the honor of calling me their girl in return I tell them they can not handle me. THIS IS THE TRUTH AND THEY NEVER LISTEN WHEN I TELL THEM. When the going gets tough they walk away and then I become the ugly, psychotic person they can not handle. They act like I did not warn them as if I keep this to myself or changed.

I am beautiful. I am calm. I am someone's girl. I have never been ugly. I will never be psycho. I am able to be handled. But I tell people other wise because I have a barrier around my shattered soul.

For those who make it past the barriers, I love you. Why did you go? Why did you leave when I needed you the most? I trusted you. I gave you a chance to leave before my feelings got caught up in this mess. You chose not to listen, not to leave when you had the chance. Instead you said "I will make her love me, give her all to me.....then take it all, break her down and make her hate herself more for letting me in." How could you be so cruel? You knew. Do not lie. You knew. You knew for pete's sake YOU KNEW WHAT THIS WOULD DO TO ME.

For those who left before you hit the barriers, I do not know if I should thank you, or call you a coward. Deeply I am sorry. Maybe you deserved a fair chance. But then you probably deserved better then what I had to offer. Here is where my complications come in. You are a coward for not taking the chance. You let me sit there and call myself "hard to handle" but YOU DID NOT EVEN TRY. What kind of man lets any women bring herself down?

I am sorry I am an insecure mess.

-My 1 a.m. heart crying out.