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Realization/Apologies

A Poem

By Lea AlexandraPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Young lost broken girl running from the whole world

Not sure where or when it started but today it ends

I would like to apologize for all the hurt and pain I have caused anyone

For I am hurt and don’t know how to deal with it

I would always tell myself 2015 was the year that changed me

A warm hearted girl turned cold but I am not cold just hurt from the beginning of time

I don’t remember remember most of my childhood but I know I was happy

All I needed in my life was my mom dad and sister

But that changed when he left

Sometimes I wonder how life would be if you never came back

Yea our family still would’ve be broken but we wouldn’t be confused

I struggle with getting out of bed everyday because of the decisions I’ve made

And I always think to myself

Would I be making these choices if it wasn’t for you

I just want to feel loved in a world that I feel completely alone in

So I find myself in situations that aren’t good for me

Situations I know I shouldn’t be in and people I know I shouldn’t deal with

All because I’ve never felt real love from the man that should’ve shown me what love is

21 years old and I’m just trying to find myself but it’s hard when the people around you don’t know who they are

I’m lost

I’m hurt

And I need God

I scream how much I want to be alone

But I actually need my family

I have been around people that don’t understand me

Trying to fit into the norm but that had never been me

Lea Alexandra Mixon that is me

But who am I

I am not this cold hearted girl I’ve been pretending to be

I am Lea

The warm sweet loving girl

The girl everyone looks up to

I am a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter

But I am not myself right now

No matter how hard I am trying to be

I keep letting negativity back into my life because I feel worthless

I look at myself on the mirror and it isn’t me

I have been living through pain and I honestly don’t remember the last time I was truly happy

I’ve been emotionally broken for the last few years and I’ve been wanting to fix it but I’ve been finding myself going deeper in

Depression is real and I’ve been sitting in it

Wishing for someone to come pick me up off my knees

But that person is me

Only I can save myself by the grace of God

I just want to be me

I just want to be me

I just want to be me

I just want to walk around with a smile on my face that isn’t forced

I’m sick of my hurt

I’m sick of feeling bad

I’m sick of running

I’m sick of running

I’m sick of running

I miss the old days when I knew nothing about this cold world

I miss the old days when I thought everything was good at home

I miss seeing my mom happy

I miss talking to my sister and knowing she’s just a phone call away

But most of all I miss me

I miss my real friends

People who actually understand me

I miss Dee because when he changed it changed me

I lost my best friend and lost half of me and although I was only 15 that shit still fucks with me

I wanted to be with him in ways I couldn’t be

I wanted to save him but that wasn’t up to me

I feel bad for the things I did to him he never deserved it and it still eats me up inside because I never got to apologize

I apologize to myself for all the self pain I brought onto me and my body

I apologize to my baby because of what I did I feel like I didn’t have a choice because mommy was just a kid

I apologize to my mom for the hurtful things I did

I’m sorry mom I know most of the time I’m wrong

I’m sorry for treating the only person that has shown me what true, tough, unconditional love is

I’ve been hurt for so long I guess I just didn’t know how to deal with it

sad poetry
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About the Creator

Lea Alexandra

Just a young poet

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