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Can I tell you some more of my thoughts?
I thought about you today...
(that's my first thought)...then I thought to myself, "Hmm, he hasn't texted... I wonder if he's ok."
Today at 2:26 AM
"Or if he's in pain, (is babygirl ok?), is he sleeping enough? Is he still having bad dreams, or is he stressing and such, because he's trying to pay a mortgage and working too much?"
I'm always thinking of you...
Even before I even consider myself, boo.
And then I think...
Today at 2:30 AM,
"Does he miss me at all?"
Especially when I don't get a text back...
or even "a call you soon" or "how are you?"
And I'm often sitting here missing you listening to indie tunes.
Just the occasional paragraph and I love you.
And then I think, "Holy f*ck. I'm terrified. Is this it?"
Will, I always come in,
last place to all of this shit?
And then, I think, "Fuck, what if it's true?"
"What if everything else in your life, will always come before me and you?"
And then I think, "Well, I won't change you. I love you, for you."
Even if you can't love me back the way I do too.
And then I think, "It's your life" (and whether or not I become your wife) I am still me—still beautiful, strong despite my current state, and a Queen. And still, deserve to have my needs met
And lest we forget...
I will never force you to be with me, or; be someone else.
Do you know what I mean?
I'm trying my best (to keep it real)
And it's not the fucking easiest shit, telling you how I feel.
But, I wish you'd treat this, and me like someone real.
Not a pin-up girl or the occasional feel...
and I know, I know, you've said, "that's not the deal,"
but deep, deep, down (in my soul) that's how I feel.
And, yes, I know its not your intention,
to hurt my heart and neglect my affection,
because things are busy.
I know you got a kid to worry about,
a beautiful little girl spun of magic and gold,
and they got you working a double shift so much you're starting to feel tired and old...
So all you've got energy for is a beer or two ... or three and to eventually pass out...
behind emotional walls,
much like me...
and I understand.
All I ever want to do is hold your hand.
Walk with you.
Do you see?
You think you need to do it alone.
Yet, I'm saying you don't have to.
Just pick up the mother fucking phone, call, and text, too...
I deserve you and know your worth. That's why I love you.
But, it's not up to me.
It's up to you.
To realize the love starts from inside you...
You have to want that life, this path, and walk it too...
because the "journey of a thousand miles ... begins with a single step."
And I haven't even begun to share all my thoughts yet.
And then I think, today at 2:51 AM...
(Que Sera ... whatever will be will be)
I won't stand in your way...
because your footsteps, and path, will eventually lead back to me, one day
if ... and only if (it was meant to be that way).
And ...so I truly love you ... I'd set you free,
even if it makes me, feel-a-certain-way.
Then I tuck myself in, let my tears dry on my cheeks...
and say "good night."
Because "I love you anyways" (even if you don't treat me right).