Pretending to Live

I’m pretending to live.

I’m supposed to be young,

But youth is fleeting and naive.

But these are the best years of my life.

But I’m also drowning

But also I’m freeloading

While I do eight hours of homework

But I opted out of honors so really I just waste away at home

Or at school while I turn up the singers on soundboards

But I never listen, I never take cues

Except in impressions from three to two

And I’m lying and I’m leaping

From conclusion to exclusion

My first kiss never came

The senior prom will pass me by

My dress is blue

Who knew

The lonely hue

Of leaving myself alone

And it’s so hard

I can’t stop picking

I’m just sticking it out

'Cause daddy lost his job

And I don’t know why he yells at me everyday

I don’t know why I’m the problem child

I don’t know why I’m so sensitive

Why am I such a bitch

A caring, generous bakes-you-cookies bitch

Who loves you and hugs you and nags you and is never gonna tell you how it is

Because how can I

You’ll just leave me if I do and then I'll be alone at recess once again

And I’ll poison my body to feel something

Something no one will ever feel

Not for me

I’ll be alone

I sit in an apartment with a dog I didn’t ask for

And an unrequited love

I thought was over

I thought I'd be smarter

I thought a lot of things

And I tricked my foolish heart

And now I sit alone.