Pretending that You're Not Hurt but You Are

i kept lying to myself, screaming

“I DON’T NEED THAT BITCH”

i kept jellin, trying to act like what that

person did to me ain’t even faze me

all the while i was denying it

i was choked up inside

i was falling apart, my entire world turned mad

i kept telling these girls that i’m now on the market

but i was yours all along

well was

even though you cheated on me

then dumped me once i found out

i was yours all along

well was

after it was all said and done

i’ve experienced greater amounts of achievement in my career

flashing lights and cameras all in my face

standing in the spotlight

moving the crowd

what they don’t know is how much

i’ve been bruised on the inside

beaten and battered, beyond sore

can’t even stand up straight

my soul can’t stand up straight

said my soul can’t even stand up straight

yet my body is firmly planted to the stage’s floor

ain’t going nowhere now

yet my soul can’t stand tho

what they don’t know is all them

nights i sat in my room alone

and cried until i fell asleep

waking up with eyes darker than eyeshadow

looking like you just got jacked up

two donut bags below the eyelids

nasally congested

voice is monotone

yet i still go out there to do my thing

i’m at shows

i’m at signings

i’m at school

around the campus giving to others

maybe it’s how i can heal the hurt

is giving to others feeding the homeless

with be the change at Kean University

doing work with my brother’s keeper

i’ve helped hundreds of young boys and men of color

with the assistance of my mentors and fellows

i couldn’t have done all that work on my own

despite getting assaulted a couple weeks before i got published by the Obama Foundation

and getting inducted into the my brothers keeper fellowship program

crazy how things turn around

was even dealing with the loss of my aunt

i remember not being able to sleep for months

unless i smoked blunts

took something to help me sleep

or just stayed up long enough until i got tired of staying awake

imagine if that was you standing there in the middle of

that hospital room when they took your aunt off life support

you stand there, listening to the cries and moans of your family

and the flatline of that machine as you look at

someone whose watched you grow up

lie there LIFELESS