And this is how it feels...
to be broken.
At first it's subtle, like it's no big deal
then as time continues...
your whole world comes crashing down.
You feel lost,
You feel empty,
You feel hopeless and worthless...
like you shouldn't even be here.
yet you still hope that things will change,
that it'll all get better...
for some reason you hold that hope,
you hold that dream.
You still hope that you'll find love.
After all who'd want you?
Who could ever love you...?
it's not real
it doesn't exist
You'll never have love...
Nothing can fix you...
you only think it can.
but nothing can fix something so broken...
Nothing can fix something completely...
I wrote this a month before I met you... And for so long I believed everything written. I believed that I was broken, that nothing could fix me, that I'd never find love, that no one would want me.. I'd lost all hope. This is only a part of the darkness I was in before I'd met you... I didn't believe in love yet it's all I longed for. A month later on July 27, 2015 I met you... and those ashes of burnt out hope had reignited. It's like when I met you my heart just jumped and said "that's him." My heart fell in love with you the day I met you. It just took my mind a while to catch up. There was something about you when I'd met you. For some reason, I was drawn to you and I didn't quite understand why... It's like something was tugging at my heart strings, pulling me to you. It's been two and a half years I've wanted you, I've had you, and I've lost you... but I never stopped loving you. It's like my mind tells me to go back... back to that shattered mindset saying Screw Love... But something still seems to be pulling my heart strings in your direction. When I lost you, it honestly felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and threw it, causing it to shatter to a million pieces then shoving all the pieces back down my throat, forcing me to live. They say your greatest victory is also your greatest defeat. Having you was my greatest victory and losing you was my greatest defeat. I can't lie about that... For the last two and a half years you gave this broken mess of a person a chance and in doing so I'd finally realized what true love is like. You helped build me to be the best I can be. You believed in me, encouraged me, hyped me up, you didn't judge me. You made me feel special and wanted. I felt like my opinion mattered to you because you showed you cared. We've been through hell and back together and yeah I may have lost you and it may have killed me, but the reason I never went back to everything I used to believe, the reason I never gave up, the whole reason I'm strong... is because of you. You pieced me and glued me back together. You showed me that I'm more than I give myself credit for. And most importantly you showed me just how capable I am to love and how strong I am to fight for something that's worth fighting for... My heart's still intact because of you, because I still hope to have you one day.
I Love You.