Peacefully

I close my eyes and hear you breathe

Each sound wave echoing in my ears

I can see you lying there so peacefully...

Deep in slumber.

Deep in a world your mind is projecting on your eyelids like a movie.

Your fingers twitch...

Like you're trying to remember a song on the piano.

I wish I could sleep as peacefully as you do.

To dream instead of scream, to breathe instead of down into the thoughts of my past.

The past that haunts me.

When you touch me...

When you touched me.

When he touched me last.

When he grabbed me last.

When he forced me last.

Before you... My heart was shattered into pieces.

I thought I lost them because they burst into such small particles that it looked like air.

I thought I lost them.

Losing...

Lose things...

I didn't lose it.

It was taken.

Taken by him...

The first one...

The very first one.

Ripped the garden apart even though he's not the caretaker.

You found the pieces... The shattered ones.

What I couldn't see you did.

What I see...

You look so light lying there so peaceful and all I can hear is the echoing of his voice...

"Please I know you want to," with his weight pushed on mine.

Heavy.

Not gentle like yours.

His weight is on my body.

My body not his.

My body is not light.

My body is frozen, anchored and numb.

I look at your lips... So sweet and soft.

How soft your words are to me.

How kind your words are to me.

How sharp your words are to me.

No. Not yours. Hers.

Her tongue is raised like a cobra but I know it's not one...

So why do her words move into my veins like venom?

Why does my body feel cold and empty like casket?

Casket?

Why do I know I'm dead to you from your venom?

Venom?

Not only venom.

Paralyzed from the knife embedded in the middle of my spine from the first time you said "Hello"

Your eyes... Although they are closed I know they are only for me.

I believe your truth when I look at your eyes.

I believe you when I look at yours eyes.

Your eyes... Calm...

I want to close mine. I want to see another world where chaos isn't put on repeat in my head yet it's my head where I go and it's my head where imagine and imagining is where my demons hide and wait so that they may come out and take over.

Demons.

My demons... Him.

His lies.

His words.

His uncaring sputter of utter nonsense that hacked at my soul and drained my body from existence. Can't go... I'm utterly trapped.

Trapped... But you're lying next to me.

Trapped.

Not trapped.

Free.

Because you lie there so peacefully next to me... I know that I can too.