Panic Attacks are Hard to Describe

It is spring, flowers blooming and all.

I am outstretched - absorbing every bit of sun my skin can manage to grab on to

There are ladybugs and bees, and I am afraid of neither - its been so long since I've gotten stung.

But-

Where did the air go?

You know that feeling you get when you're at the top of a rollercoaster and it starts to fall?

It's the butterflies in your stomach, they got too tired of eating your feelings and started biting on the lining of your insides.

The feeling of almost, just almost crashing into a car.

The warmth of the sun disappears and the bees become wasps, and I have to hold it together long enough to make just one more shitty joke in an attempt to avoid confrontation -

Another "We're not in Kansas anymore" reference

- to avoid admitting that I am terrified of wasps and if I look around hard enough, all the walls are covered in them.

If I wait for a while and let them sting - shut my eyes closed hard and hold my breath until my lungs want to collapse in on themselves and I see stars, they go away.

The sun comes back up - not as bright as before - and whatever remains of the garden is left to grow.

What I'm trying to say is,

Nothing feels quite same anymore.

(( But it is fleeting ))