Pain Is Always There

As my eyes roll to the back of my head

I can't help but think of the things I have said.

So much hurt, yet so little time.

To try and repair the life I thought that was mine.

When the blade hits my skin,

It feels like nothing else matters

When in reality, I just become as mad as the hatter.

I feel so alone, whether there are people or not

I feel like I'm empty, helpless and distraught.

Sometimes I question whether people really care or if they just put on a show.

No one can help. Not even the devil below.

I lay here depressed, scared, and wounded.

Can God really hear me or is it just an illusion.

Anxiety isn't a joke, neither is depression.

But here I am, getting asked so many questions.

Why am I the one who has to stay strong?

Don't you know that I can't be the only one?

I want to scream, cry and inflict my own pain,

Yet, I still ask myself "what is that going to gain?"

It's not going to heal my family,

And it definitely won't solve my pain

But maybe for just one moment, I could feel a little bit sane.

This probably is dumb, and doesn't make sense.

And for that I am sorry,

But it's hard to make sense when I feel like I'm dying.

My sister hates him, and my mom has moved on

Yet here I still am, trying to fix what was wrong.

I know it will never happen, and I will just have to live with that,

But you can't ever blame me for just wanting to turn back.

I have my own family I should worry about.

Not myself, no, not ever,

Because if I even show weakness, I'll end up crying in the shower.

No one hears me when I'm upset at night,

I normally tuck it away, down deep, and out of sight.

But today I hurt myself,

And no I'm not proud, but for one split second, my thoughts weren't as loud.

No one understands and no one ever will.

So why should I stay strong and never cry?

Is that even allowed when you're wanting to die?

I can't take back what has happened,

And I will never be able to fix it.

But sometimes I just wish there just wasn't so much complete bull shit.

So for now, goodnight, and you will be back,

Because you're my depression, my pain, my breaking point.

I'm expecting you again, maybe not tomorrow or the day after that,

But you will always come back, no matter how hard I fight.