Orange [I'm a Ni|ce Girl]

I'm shaking.

After a long selah

It comes like a thief in the night

Frightened I lift my finger to touch the

Bitter riff of swollen lips and smokened kisses

I thought I was through with this

Silenced… but not healed

Just sealed lips… for a season

My lips were sealed for a season

Shielded from the—I tend to choose

Squandering around the block of disposition

Vocal vibrations squelched

In an instant each thought, sense, state of mind

Rushes to find the floodgate doors release button

It’s that easy

Sinking in the muck of shame

“this does not define your person”

Pupils refocused magnifying exquisite detail

One by one

37 + 2 + 1 + x = the loss of my person to some

To sum up my individual conclusion

How can I possibly pick up the pieces from the

Infinite living dead

They don’t even know they have it.

So I stopped.

I left this closet cold and dormant

Damp from the many tears accruing interest-ing

Hope lapses, dream snatchers and pacemakers

This had to happen.

This has to happen.

This must occur in order to buy my freedom.

Alone.

Lost in the corner wandering

In and out of reality

I see me.

Shaking.

Drenched in sweat and tears

Years lost in that corner

Rocking back and forth

Years hiding behind a face a figure

With hopes of the real thing

Dreams deferred.

He is on top of me

Silence.

Shed tear hot like the fire

Burning in my soul

I lost the key to the trunk holding my stitches

From all the past wounds

My amnesia conveniently left behind

I lost the key to the girl hookin' for free

Excuse me… for a smile

Trading a trick for a treat or was that

The other way around?

The truth is emptiness

Exists yet still

In this trunk rusted

From overwhelming tears

Left captive, locked away without a key.

I don’t want to be that girl who wears her hurts on

Her sleeve

I'm stronger than that

This is not as bad as it could be

I've got it easy

Stop complaining

Just deal with it

I honestly thought we were through with this.

What is happening to me?

Why now?

Is he gonna be the one?

Am I choosing my abuser?

Strong. Yes I am strong

And can handle my own

Nothing happens that I won’t allow

You have no say in the matter.

Confidence speaking loudly, deafening,

To silence.

Means nothing.

Depleted.

I give myself away

Just so you can say

‘Oh baby’

And walk away

Bubbles for sale

Get your bubbles

Get your bubbles

Name your own price

Get your bubbles

Leave me FLAT

I'm shaking.

Sometimes I can't believe otherwise

Sometimes I fantasize about the time

When I used to dream

How things are different now.

I wish I could permanently erase

These images of my naked body

Pinned to the bedpost

Of a stranger or a friend

Who is a stranger (?) if you could imagine

What is a friend?

Where is the end to the zone of companionship?

[no wonder I ended up with a—]

Yet the same rules applied

SACRIFICE

And still I wish I can believe in the

Blotting.

Almost as much as I believe a shattered

Bottle of

RED

Wine could be blotted out of

Sheep skin

In time.