Ode to Depression
The ache has returned.
There’s a dull ache
Not just in my body
But in my mind too
My most vital organ
Is severely broken
And it’s all due to You
My stomach hurts
I want to vomit
You’re always there
A constant reminder
Of my many mistakes
Words cry out in my head
“help”
“not again”
“someone save me”
Your words drown them out
“Mistake”
“Worthless”
“Deserve this”
I deserve this
I fight the truth I see
If anyone deserves the pain You caused
It is most certainly me
Loved ones try to convince me
That the words You claim are lies
But who are they
That they say otherwise
No one knows me
Quite like You do
No one understands the beast inside
Better than You
Don’t let people get too close
They might discover the truth
They might meet the beast within
They can’t love all of me
After all, do You?
You hate me
You despise me
You’ve made that very clear
You know everything about me
And found nothing worth loving
The ache has returned
The need to vomit with it
It’s coming up in conversation
Words too bitter to miss it
People are starting to notice
People are starting to ask
They want to know why
Why the word mistake is written on my arm
They stop their line of questioning
When they realize
That the tool I used to write
Was not a pen
But a knife
I roll up my sleeves
Eyes filled with defiance
Daring people to make the claim
That mistakes do not define me
Nobody says anything
Their eyes are filled with pity
Words caught in their throat
A girl who’s as screwed as I
And pain is all I wrote
Who am I to show my pain?
You cry out with glee
Am I some kind of attention whore?
Am I obsessed with me?
Don’t I know that others have pain?
Who am I to cry for attention
With razors on my wrists
With gashes on my thighs
With insults on my arms
You yell to cover up
To cover up my shame
People cannot love me
If I show my pain
If they learn the truth
They’ll know I’m nothing but Unstable
I’m mentally unsound
Of that I know is true
You’ve told me
But a thousand times
For every single one of these lines
Lines drawn with razors
Lines drawn with pain
Lines that fill me with disgust
They fill my eyes with shame
Normal people don’t want to jump
Normal people don’t destroy themselves
Normal people don’t have You
You
This all comes back to You
You’re the reason for this pain
You’re the reason I’m destroyed
You’re the reason they yell “Unstable”
When they get too close
I hate You
I despise You
And yet I cannot leave You
Loved ones beg me
Loved ones who don’t understand
They beg for me to leave You
At least for me to ignore You
To get over You
Can’t they see
I cannot run away
After all
You are apart of me
You are my depression
You are my mental illness
You are my pain
You are me
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