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Ode to Depression

The ache has returned.

There’s a dull ache

Not just in my body

But in my mind too

My most vital organ

Is severely broken

And it’s all due to You

My stomach hurts

I want to vomit

You’re always there

A constant reminder

Of my many mistakes

Words cry out in my head

“help”

“not again”

“someone save me”

Your words drown them out

“Mistake”

“Worthless”

“Deserve this”

I deserve this

I fight the truth I see

If anyone deserves the pain You caused

It is most certainly me

Loved ones try to convince me

That the words You claim are lies

But who are they

That they say otherwise

No one knows me

Quite like You do

No one understands the beast inside

Better than You

Don’t let people get too close

They might discover the truth

They might meet the beast within

They can’t love all of me

After all, do You?

You hate me

You despise me

You’ve made that very clear

You know everything about me

And found nothing worth loving

The ache has returned

The need to vomit with it

It’s coming up in conversation

Words too bitter to miss it

People are starting to notice

People are starting to ask

They want to know why

Why the word mistake is written on my arm

They stop their line of questioning

When they realize 

That the tool I used to write

Was not a pen

But a knife

I roll up my sleeves

Eyes filled with defiance

Daring people to make the claim

That mistakes do not define me

Nobody says anything

Their eyes are filled with pity

Words caught in their throat

A girl who’s as screwed as I

And pain is all I wrote

Who am I to show my pain?

You cry out with glee

Am I some kind of attention whore?

Am I obsessed with me?

Don’t I know that others have pain?

Who am I to cry for attention

With razors on my wrists

With gashes on my thighs

With insults on my arms

You yell to cover up

To cover up my shame

People cannot love me

If I show my pain

If they learn the truth

They’ll know I’m nothing but Unstable

I’m mentally unsound

Of that I know is true

You’ve told me

But a thousand times

For every single one of these lines

Lines drawn with razors

Lines drawn with pain

Lines that fill me with disgust

They fill my eyes with shame

Normal people don’t want to jump

Normal people don’t destroy themselves

Normal people don’t have You

You

This all comes back to You

You’re the reason for this pain

You’re the reason I’m destroyed

You’re the reason they yell “Unstable”

When they get too close

I hate You

I despise You

And yet I cannot leave You

Loved ones beg me

Loved ones who don’t understand

They beg for me to leave You

At least for me to ignore You

To get over You

Can’t they see

I cannot run away

After all

You are apart of me

You are my depression

You are my mental illness

You are my pain

You are me

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