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Notes on Mindset

Early 2019

  1. Every little ache, scratch, nuisance, pop, click, nags at my conscience until I take notice, eventually shoving it to the rear of my mind with the help of external forces, until they persist later on, perpetuating a cycle of destructive analysis, paranoia, disillusion, and ennui.
  2. The constant voice behind my forehead and in front of my brain, like soft drizzling rain, tucked between and behind my two eyes, whispering that I will never find what I'm looking for, never know as much as the more knowledgeable, or experience as much as the experienced, never dream as big as the dreamers, never yearn as vigorously as the motivated, never reach as far as my conscious mind allows and my subconscious limits. 
  3. Guilt for things I have done that have hurt people over pride for acts I've done to help, even guilt for actions that I could have taken, but never allowed myself to, equilibrium teetering between fleeting selfish desire and the persistent inability to maintain fire for the present moment.
  4. Constantly drifting in between what the moment has placed in front of me, and what is lodged in my head, I hover in the purgatory of concrete and abstract, visualizing but hardly actualizing, paying attention but never fully, talking without believing, extracting the goings on of my mind while leaving bits and pieces behind; or perhaps dragging the bits and the pieces out so they can rot, wither, erode under the weather.
  5. Clinging to hope of a fulfilling future. One full of love, attention to every detail, curiosity of the seen and unseen, discovery without a second of hesitation or doubt. 
  6. Physical freedom is here, mental incapacitation gone now. Words freely float between mind and paper, thoughts obtain form, ennui becoming intuition as I learn and experience and search and grow. No, the individual is not king, today we are all so engrossed in something different, but we are compassionate. We have hope but are unsure of the means to achieve, like a requiem for a dream.
  7. The ease of today's life makes life hard. Think in evolutionary terms, no longer battling to survive or fighting an ideology, but basking in comfort and looking for a challenge. I am not saying life is easy for everyone, not in the slightest, but I am saying for those that life is 'easy' it is really not. Humanity today generally agrees that we are better off than at any point in history, but I tend to disagree or maybe I just don't know because none of us fully understand what we are doing to ourselves.
  8. We get our food at the grocery store instead of finding it and killing it, but that's old news; information is as easy to come by as the hair on your head, and we earn money so we can buy things and do things, and experience life better than the next person. But hardships being removed has its pros and cons. It has moved our focus onto other things entirely. I for one, have never had to worry about where food will come from the next day, or where I will sleep, or even feared for my life.
  9. In recent or ancient history that has not been the case with the majority. And maybe some fear that the removal of hardships will affect our ability to evolve. But maybe hardships have changed form. They have become more mental than ever. Maybe now we become a metaphysical society of interactions, less individual, more intertwined.
  10. I look at the difficulties of 1-5 and reconcile them with 6-9. Mental problems are the problems of the future. Get with it, or get lost in the past. Find food, find a place to sleep, find good people to spend life with, and then take on the next challenge. That is of the mind. You become either content or accept the mental obstacles and overcome them.
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