Nightmare Walker

"You're a scaredy cat!"

As long as I could remember, I have always been someone who lived in fear. Fear of separation. Fear of the Unknown. A fear of Death. I would have to admit, I am a little punk.

There were nights that I would wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and run to my grandmothers room. Heart racing, sweaty I would find the close spot on the bed to my Grandmother's warm body. She would huff and suck her teeth but, she always made room for me. Holding me as I would fall back asleep. That was until she passed away in 2008. Now, I have been left to conquer those fears...alone.

The past few weeks have been a stressful one. The question of "What do I want to do with my life?" has been the forefront of the week...and the rift in my mind that has made it hard to do everyday things. Going to a job that undervalues me, a family that discourages me, relationships faulty; Sleep has eluded me.

In answering the question of "What" to do with life, My first thought is "I don't want it to end. Ever."

Death has always made me feel squeamish. Nervous and downright scared. The feeling of not breathing, not feeling alive...can make anyone scared but yesterday was a reality for me. Realizing that life is fleeting and I have die before. Whether a past life or current. I have been resurrected plenty of times. And died. In in the physical sense, however, in the consciousness and unconsciousness.

The following is a poem... more or less, free thought on the very idea of death and rebirth.

I stare at the whiteness of the walls of my sister's house.

Flashing lights that comes from a LED speaker

Colors of Red, Green, Blue all making shapes against the walls...

I feel the wetness of tears on my cheek

I've listen to a song that has my mind turning

A song that my best friend had sent through a message

Sleepwalker

Melodies of what life had been up until this point

Dead, lifeless, no progression to anywhere

My mind begin to recall moments...

"I had died many times"

In my life so far, trying to count

Only remember moments...

Moments...

Yeah, I died when I was child.

Maybe 5,

Can't remember what I had died from for it immediately becomes black

A mysterious amnesia locks away memories,

Yet life had altered continuously then

Seeing therapist that I would grow attached to

only to be left...

Left..alone..

Cold and alone.

I died when I was a teenager

Awkward stages trying to sort through emotions but constantly bashed

Suffocation of uncertainty of ones self.

As she touched me...discover my sex

I died under her touch.

She took my power and had exposed me

A high-beam on my spirit, the world threw a grenade into me

Shattered...unrecognizable.

I had died with every unwanted touched

Or forced encountered since,

I've died plenty of times

My spirit has not resurrected

A heartless zombie walks among you

Beware.