New Brunswicked

Christ four more days and I’m outta here, this time it was the beer. I knew I shouldn’t of drank that shit alpine, I’m back in doing more time. This is becoming a second home of mine. I want to say I’ll never be back but I’m on a fucking looping track. I’ve hit this pit stop, four times since me balls dropped. As long as I’m alive I’m sure I’ll see stop five. It’ll probably be on some dumb shit like fucking up with some dumb bitch. Maybe I’ll try and get hitched, get married to a fine whore real proper and avoid giving purpose to a copper. Didn’t really even do much bad this round, but my record reckons me to impound. First stint was a B&E, second stint involved a burnt DVD. Third was absurd, never finger bang a nerd. Now I’m here on the fourth, they finally sent me up north. I was drinking as I do daily, work had failed to pay me, I suppose I shoulda shown up, actually if I had a job that woulda doubled my luck. No pay-cheque the bottle wasn’t drippin' a damn drop, so on my scooter I hopped, that’s right I’m a drunk and I scoot so I’m a fag, doesn’t matter cause I gotta get half in the bag. I mongo push to the west end to meet up with my best friend, I don’t even really like him that much, but he cashes the welfare and he’ll get me drunk so I don’t care. So finally I get there , he’s half sauced on a lawn chair. I say “yo what’s up Blair?” “You know man I’m just living the dreams.” Yeah that’s what half drunk on a lawn chair screams, he has liquor though it seems. “I came over to chill with you.” “Well grab a chair and a brew.” The chair was out back by the twelve pack, I grabbed four and he’s lucky I didn’t grab more, the pussies drinking bud light, I don’t even like em but I’ll drink em just to spite him, fucking bud light! I shot gun two and threw em in the bushes, this dudes gayer than me and I got mongo pushes.

I return set up chair and crack a so called ‘brew.’ “So what are we gonna do?” I only asked cause I knew, there were but four cans left and we hadn’t even hit noon, I was really asking if he was doing a run soon. He said “once we finish this case we’ll go down to the store and steal some chase. I’ve got a sixty of strawberry brandy.” “That’s the gayest thing to have handy.” He said “I stole it from my grampy.” I guess his family’s just full of fags. Let me just be clear, I’ve got nothing against the queer, my cousin even takes it in the rear, but even she’s a man when it’s time to drink beer. When we we’re younger I called him a dick licker and I’ve never been sicker, we went drink for drink, and I spent the night head in the sink. He just sat there still drinking watching the bachelorette, that was some badass shit I’ll never forget. So I really don’t know why Blair and his family drink like poor trash fairies with all these flavored sherries and low cal lager, the answer I’m not going to bother. Blair’s got a gay, but good soul, and he helps me nurse my black hole, besides I push mongo, I might as well take cock in the Congo.

We finished the case within the hour, thanks to my man power. Though I couldn’t conceive why we needed chase for strawberry laced liquor, I went to the store with a buzz bout to turn dickered. I stole ten packs of powdered juice and hid some frozen fries an my backside. He who doesn’t drink and eat by the liquor will be beat. As we sat there sucking on cold fries drinking a drink that'd make you question your gender, I started to remember an old bender. Me and my gay cousin we’re buzzin, dad had gotten me a sixty for failing grade eight, man was he great, even though he had drank half of it before I got it me and dick licker shot for shot it. After that we were almost drunk, we went car shopping and found a forty of schnapps in a trunk. We polished that peppermint pour for pour, we were well on the wagon and went looking for more. We saw a car not too far , and by the luck of Jupiter the owner couldn’t have been stupider, the keys were in the ignition, I hopped in the drivers seat & found half a forty of whiskey at my feet. We went swig for swig as we drove down the street, then ditched the car when the gas was beat. I’d fail grade eight anyday for another mission like that.

Blair and I blew through those fries and to no surprise, that sixty, mixed with some citrusy mystery. Blair was about gone, nodding off on his front lawn. I thanked him and bid him farewell. Was I drunk? I couldn’t tell, I’d been reveling in nostalgia, but if I did the algebra, I must be somewhere close. I was never good at math, didn’t do homework like I was supposed to, I did fail the eighth grade, well I might as well go and try and get laid. Blair’s older cousin always eyed me like she wanted to jump me, so I scooted to her work to see if she wanted to hump me. She served a set of nuggets then said “my boyfriend just dumped me” looks like she’s getting pumped G! She was off in ten so I waited til then. WE took her sister’s sedan out to some secluded land, she took my wang in her hand, so I started caressing her boob, she said “I got some new lube” I earned my brown belt and she dropped me off at the bar, she was going to clean the shit off her car, I asked her for some money, she gave me a twenty, I said “see ya later honey” and she drove away, so far its been a good day.

The bartender gave me grief cause I brought in my scooter, asking me how many cocks could fit in my pooter, I didn’t dare tell him I pushed mongo, I said give me twenty worth of gin and then I’ll go. I drank my four cups, and left their joking of dicks in butts. I should’ve known not skating would catch me such berating. My gay cousin sucks cock and even he said I should just walk. I scooted down to the elderly part of town, I knew an old guy, long as he didn’t die, would have a case or a bottle, so I mongo’d there full throttle.

Adrian was on his fifth pack of Belvedere’s, said cheers as he handed me two beers. “I’m sorry young son, but the good stuffs done.” I looked down to the least favorite one, “why in the fuck did you buy alpine?” “It wasn’t me it was that god damn grand son of mine. His mother has always been a cunt.” I said “isn’t his mom you’re daughter?” He said yes and this is some shit I never would have bought her. That sounded like wise parenting to me, too bad his apple fell so far from his tree. We sipped the worse and bitched & cursed about the foulness of the brew, had five more and another two, looks like were through. Old ass Adrian took a shit in the empty case and heaved it on the neighbours driveway. At that I said I think I’m gonna head back my way. Adrian on his god knows which number cigarette said “arlight, you bet.” I hopped on my scoot and jet.

As I zig zagged down the street, mongo-ing my feet, I ran into the last type of people I’d like to meet; a group of skaters, the raw kind, one who could switch grind. I didn’t take no time, turned around and b lined. Back to the geriatric neck of the wood, and went into a bar as quick as I could. Being beaten up wouldn’t have done me no good. Three quarters to fully sauced, I wasn't taking that kind of loss. Of course I was the only one in the bar under sixty, but I spent the last of what I had on a drink the bar maid mixed me. Sat down beside a wrinkly wearing a trucker hat, he said “where the fuck you been at?” “I just ran away from some skaters so I didn’t get my ass kicked, and where have you been you half wit?” He said “ I was cock deep in the woods, I’m talking brush up to me balls, birdox all over me over alls, sippin something simply said I shouldn’t have been sippin, gripping a forty cal, I was sauced as fuck, and gunned down a buck, shot er right in the butt, but the buck turned to to be me wife, fuck me I says that’s gonna be 25 to life, but the mayor gave me the key to the city, fuck me that first wife was shitty.”

I didn’t know what the fuck he was on about but he continued to ramble. “Another time down drinking down at the dock, drank double then what I ought, clutching a cup, cast me line and caught the biggest bass of all time. I says to Stubbs is that not the biggest fish you’ve ever seen, Stubbs says blimey that’s me wife Shareen. Couldn’t clue what she was doing down around the boat, we took the hook & line out er throat, patched er up and threw her back in. haven’t seen her since er since, some say she can’t swim.” Old wrinkly must have had four times as much as me, the point of his tales I could not see. He continued continuing to continue as if I was deciphering what he had on his menu. “Ernie and me was cutting down a tree, I says gee that’s a strange looking limb, turns out we had cut the leg off of Tim, don’t know whatever happened to him. Took the train downtown, Joe says didn’t know how fast this thing could go, I says to him, Jim I’ve never owned a car, turns out we had never left the bar.” I told wrinkles he should probably watch his consumption, but he assured me he knew how to function. “I always keep drinking, liquor makes me sharp. Once I was walking through the dark and I could see clear as day, someone said the sun makes things seem that way.”

I didn’t know in which realm wrinkles got lost, but he was making about as much sense as the men of the cross. “I never know what’s going on but I always know what’s going down. Once I saw a stock broker turn into a honey badger, turned out he hadn’t turned into anything at all, it’s funny the things you can recall. I went down to the arena, watch the boys play some hockey, they had no sticks and it looked a lot like soccer, then I realized I was at the doctor. He says to me your minds in the fittest of shape, turns out it had been two years since I last time I ate.” I tried to inform wrinkles there hadn’t been a lick of logic in any topic, in the drunkest of stares he eyes me and says “people will always tell you, you need this and that, but I’ve gotten by fine with only that and this. I had two kids in me last marriage, found out four years later they were both a miscarriage.” I had to stop him there, I couldn’t understand and I surely didn’t care, was he joking, or was he retarded? We finished our drinks then parted.

As I managed miserably to make my scoot, scoot, I felt the boot, a kicking in my stomach, from drinking that god awful swamp plumbage. The alpine wanted to surface, and I blew chunks of the bunk that was so worthless. As my luck never lingers, I saw the pointing of fingers, flashing of a flash light, I knew this wasn’t going to be my night. The cop propped me up, they knew me, so I knew I’d be fucked. Look who’s out past curfew, and drunker than a skunk, I was lucky they didn’t put me in the trunk. I was hoping I’d only get the tank, but they knew how much I’d drank, the bookings were booked, in their bitch ass books, and they sent me to hitch up with some prick ass crooks.

So here I am in the pen again, four more days and donezo with this hoe, I’ll be free and a drunk I’ll still be, but that sewage won’t get a single seconding of my reckoning. I’m gonna zone in on a honey, one with some money, spit the best charm I can and become her number one man. Definitely not dicking Blair’s cousin, that bosom, the last hole I hit with my pole before breaking parole. The clink gives ya time to think, but Christ it’s not nice, I’m bound to be a menace, I’ve served enough penance to allow me some presents. The gift of the girl, I plan on it changing my world, I just have to find her, undermine her, then bump and grind her, and past this pit stop when it horizons my loop. I’ll let you all know the scoop once I’ve flown this coop.

TWO WEEKS LATER...

Back in the fucking slammer, I didn’t even hook up with no bammer, found one that was great, some’d say a soul mate. Didn’t have to do the conniving, she knew when I was lying, my habbits she didn’t take to prying, I could be me and she stayed as she. One week in she asked me to marry, I told her a baby I wouldn’t let her carry, she kept her box nice and hairy, I ain’t no millennial fairy. These dolphin skin vaginas, look worse than a herse designed in China. I may be poor, but I don’t like nothing cheap, so once I saw that authentic box, I knew it I could keep. Plus she wasn’t a bloody brainless feminist, she shaved all her pits. Now I’m not against women’s rights, but I just don’t understand why they thought they didn’t have them in the first place? Some piece of paper, published by a politician leaving them in omission doesn’t truly deny their existing. Why are people so adamant to have put on paper what’s already been put on Earth, I’ll never fathom their fight of worth. Brittle ear thin skin, that be their preoccupation, but it’s not the thoughts of the entire nation, god damn misleading media publications. Anyways, me and my new cunt went to see a priest to pledge our eternal love, he said he wouldn’t touch us with a fire proof glove. Since she was Baptist, and I was baptized catholic, he said he wouldn’t hack it. Mother fucker wouldn’t have us hitched, cause he’s such a little bitch, dumb little man, we found an officiator and had our paper in hand. We celebrated by setting fire to a cross on the priests lawn, then proceeded to get it on, when he saw my cheeks thrusting into the most magnificent box bestowed upon this land, he dialed up digits that put cuffs on my hand.

Sixteen months cause he was such a little bitch, but fuck it, I’m still hitched. And my whore is next door in one of the female sections. We made a deal with a guard, and we let him film, our conjugal connections. I didn’t avoid jail, but now I live a better life, I’m in the box, with the beautiful bushy box that be my wife.