My Truth
Full Version of a Poem that Speaks to My Personal Experience with Rape
Maybe you know me personally
Maybe you’ve never seen me before
Or even know that I exist
Maybe you are wondering why the hell
Are you reading this shit
Well the best answer I can give
Is that I needed to share
The major things that I’ve lived
‘Cause I’ve been repressed all my life
By society, by my family, by myself
And it never did me good
I urge you to be patient
There might be something in it for you
Hearing someone else’s problems
Might help with the rough
That you’re going through
You see, nobody likes to be exposed
To admit their faults and the parts
They aren’t proud of
But I’ve come to realize
That doing so is important
If we ever hope to be better
To heal and to allow ourselves
To move on
Being honest
Is being strong
Sometimes just knowing
That someone else is hurting
Can bring the comfort of knowing
That it’s not just you
That it can’t possibly be
Just your fault
If someone else who comes from
A completely different context
Has faced the same assault
And I’m not talking about the ones
Where there’s a gun to your back
That end in tragedy
You’ve got the news for that
No, I refer to the skeletons in the closet
The things we are so afraid of
That we keep to ourselves
Even though it brings us hell
So this is my story
And it’s not a pretty one
But I’m not afraid anymore
To give a face to my truth
And to do it while I've still got youth
‘Cause 50 years from now
I wanna be fine, chill with the grandkids
Not be tortured inside
And it starts right now.
I’ve been holding back
For far too long
Things that still haunt me
No matter how strong
I pretend to be
My name’s Lena
I was born in '93
My demons have been
Nine years with me
I come from a strict raising
And my parents have always been
Too busy to really see
What went down with me
I’m the first-born of my household
With that comes the responsibility
Of taking care of my brothers
And representing the family
Maybe it doesn’t sound like much
But when my folks were fighting downstairs
Shouting blames at the top of their lungs
I was the one stroking my little bro’s hair
While he was crying and scared
Even though I too was unprepared
Being so young
But my parents’ divorce isn’t the issue at stake
The feeling of not being enough
No matter my good grades
The sports medals and school awards
Is what I wanna illustrate
Don’t get me wrong
I have a loving mom
And my dad always provided for us
But how can that be enough?
When too many times they forget
To pick you up
Or to say you made them proud?
Parents always hope their children
Can do better than they did,
Go farther, live longer,
Even be happier than they can.
It’s not their fault
They can’t help but dream for us
But it’s a lot of expectation to live up to
I grew up thinking that to earn love
You gotta be perfect, you can’t fuck up
I don’t know about you
Anyway, all this to say that
Reaching out wasn’t a possibility for me
And being needy at home
Made me needy in life
Which led me to a first boyfriend
Who didn’t do me right
Mom, I know you never liked him
But I was so insecure and he knew
How to play that card
And trapped me into thinking
That he was the best I could do
So when he pressured me to have sex
I did nothing but comply
After all, he’s an older guy
If I don’t provide, he’ll leave me
And I love him, right?
It was just too easy to lie to your face
And slip away to do things unspoken of in our household
I know that all the rules were your way to protect me
Mom, I’m not saying it’s your fault, never
But I felt alone and maybe an honest conversation
Would’ve been a better way to keep me safe at home
‘Cause sex education in school sucks
It’s all about pregnancy and diseases
And nothing about how transforming it can be
How completely vulnerable you are
Lying naked next to someone
Open for critique
How easy it is to humiliate
It’s a very thin line and a lot at stake
And if it isn’t done right
(I’m not talking about positions)
Something that could be beautiful and connecting
Can forever change your life
I was only fifteen, I had silly girly dreams
I didn’t know what consent really means
Does it have to be verbal?
Can we change our minds midway?
Does saying yes once make it always ok?
No one ever told me that rape isn’t only practiced
By crazy guys that lurk in dark alleys
They don’t all appear to be monsters
They might even have kind eyes
Is it rape if you gave signs of being uncomfortable
And scared while he’s holding you by your thighs
But you didn’t manage to say “stop” or “no”?
Is rape if you already had sex with the person before
But didn’t wanna do it that time
Or didn’t wanna do it anymore?
There are still places I can’t be touched
Because I’m traumatized
Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes
Years have flown by, even when I’m with
The most caring and respectful guy
Sometimes I get scared and I can’t breathe
Because his shadow is still there
Even though there are some many
Good experiences he’s underneath
Is it rape if he is your boyfriend and won’t let go?
Yeah, I think so.
Subscribe to the 'We Have Voice' Platform YouTube Channel
The conceptual video from the top of this post is a condensed version of this poem (because the full version is quite long). This video is part of the We Have Voice YouTube Channel, a space created for the discussion of domestic and sexual violence prevention. It's worth checking out!
About the Creator
Lena Marques
Lena, 24, Brazilian. I'm a biologist with a huge wanderlust. My biggest aspiration is to live (being it only a few months or many years) in at least 10 countries before I die (3 down, 7 to go). My worldview changes as I wander through it.
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