My Own Worst Enemy

I'm my own worst enemy,

constantly sabotaging the people I hold close to me.

I create this vicious reality in my mind and I start to swell in it,

thinking that it's real.

My own mind is my biggest competition.

I can't shut it off or turn it down.

It's louder than any of reason and my heart breaks for the things I slip out of my control.

It's my own doing, my own hell on earth, and I created it.

I keep trying to run from it, but it keeps catching up to me.

Why do I ruin any good that touches my life?

Why can I help everyone but me, when I'm the one who needs it most?

How do I fix this?

How do I change it?

This is all I know and it's suffocating me.

Sending me down into pits of despair.

I can't eat.

I can't sleep.

I can't do anything right.

It's swallowing me into darkness and I can't find the light.

I don't know where I last saw it, or how to get it back.

Where do I begin?

No one can help me.

I can hear them trying, but their voices are drowned out by the vicious snarls in my head.

This is not me.

I'm not like this.

Why do I find myself here now?

This is all I know, it's all I see.

I need to stop myself from ruining me.

I deserve it.

I know that, but what can't I believe it?

Why can't I allow myself to hope for the change that I so desperately need?