My Own Civil War

I am certainly moving;

whether forward or back,

I am entirely uncertain

But, I am being moved

I was here awhile ago

remembering the pain;

it’s self-inflicted again

that much I do know

I was certainly moving

in the in-between time

across the ocean thrice

and back three more times

But here I am again, standing

solemn and beaten down

wond’ring where I went wrong

I hear the same song’s sound

When I hit the bottom

The bottom dropped down

And after moving around

I reached still lower ground

Now after all the wand’ring,

yet again I’m here wond’ring

what I look like inside, under all

the intake and excess and lies

Perhaps when I moved around

on that rock bottom ground

it was crumbling and shaking

and I couldn’t feel it was breaking

because of the weight on my back.

So now it’s "we" and we continue to move,

while internally I am under attack;

the weight’s identity now harder to grasp

A civil war has begun within me

And I am the only one who knows

The outside was fighting the inside

Now the inside has internal foes

I believe that the good will win

this time ‘round, but there will

be more weight to move within

more lodged in place than setting

But now it’s all apparent to me

The good side fights valiantly

Surely the bad will be squashed

If I move out from under my cross

Forward or backward, again?

I choose to move from within

Let the curtains drop down

The show is beginning to end

Surely when you hear, you

will help me, my dear; it’s

quite the predicament

that I’ve gotten myself in.

You see, I do not want this

I am weak but I’m strong

I want what I want but I don’t

Isn’t it strange this old song?

I’ll answer that if you’d like

I’m tumultuous and troubled

and even harder to like, so

you’ve done well up to now

But now there’s a war, and I

must tend to my men! Those

valiant soldiers fighting within;

without movement they slow

So I prod and fight on

still hearing that song

singing doubts while I

belt out an old hymn