My Hole

Scared,

as if it was a threat

feeling culpable again

for being alert

drained,

to justify myself

to feel different

what if he sticks around?

I don't want him to drag up

what I dig down

what if, instead, he understands

that I just pretend

to be normal, innocent, content

but I am bleeding instead

I have a crack down my chest

he get to touch right there

and I resist

talk to myself, I insist

nobody here is really free

I just wanted to be loved

only God knows what I was told

only him knows how cold

the happy mask so hard to hold

that's why I am so exhausted

and I shelter in that hole

I made it my safe home

I retired, maybe I am trapped

I hope I am brave enough

to need to come out

or maybe I can just have a walk about

I promise I'll give you a shout