I stayed -
and slowly but surely my ground started to break.
I felt trapped.
I didn't want the tears.
I didn't want the guilt.
More than that -
I didn't want to be alone.
I also didn't want to stop.
Who could blame me?
I rationalized -
I was already in so deep.
I justified -
It's too late now.
Now I have a problem.
I need to change -
and I am trying.
I need to let go -
and I am trying.
But I've broken a promise.
Maybe the initiator of my vice could also be my saving grace?
And then all the gasoline I had soaked my spirit in was ignited with a single spark.
A spark of justification
a spark of curiosity
a spark of temptation
and of all things deepest and darkest.
And here I am,
many months later,
wishing that the very first night -
the very first ounce of gasoline had not been spilt.
Wishing I could go back and take that night away.
Wishing I could go back and say, "I'm done".
Wanting to lay the blame on another;
when all the blame belongs to me.
And that spark, that single spark ignited a flame -
which escalated into a roaring fire.
And here I am.
Done.
Alone.
And in the depths of that deepest and darkest place.
Drowning in the flames and trying to break the surface.
To extinguish,
and fight
and kill
or quench
or stop
or whatever it takes.
Because I am in control -
In control of my own body and my own life and my own happiness.
Even when the world has made me feel so out of control;
as if to say I have no voice in my own actions, in my own life -
But I do.
I am the only one who has any say at all.
So instead of looking back -
instead of regret -
I am moving forward.
I am two days clean.
And this is me.
This is who I am.
I am clean.
I am good.
I am pure.
I am moving forward, onward, upward -
out.
Out of this trap.
This trap I fell into of my own volition,
and of my own volition this trap I will escape.
The work is already done.
All there is left for me to do is come back.
To come back and to stay.
To stay and to follow.
To follow and to combine.
Combine my will.
My will becoming ours.
I can do it.
I can.
And I will.
I will escape.
Because this is not me.
I am better than this.
And I am ready to be happy once again.
So here I come.
What's done is done.
And it is time -
time I move, step, walk, run.
Run forward.
Run upward -
and leave it.
Leave it with the one -
The one with the power to extinguish such a thirsty,
destructive,
unquenchable fire.
The only one with the power -
The power to turn the deepests and the darkests
into the lightests and brightests.
About the Creator
Megan Artus
@megdmerrillwrites
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