My Confessions to the Clouds

Sometimes I believe that creativity can just be a fleeting thought.

The idea is that I am starting to feel suffocated by my own thoughts. My mind has begun to conjure up suppressants to hold at bay these feeling which consume me. How can I be plagued by the decisions I chose for myself …? I don’t understand why anyone would utter that freewill could ever be a privilege when it feels like the most daunting curse.

Have you ever hated how distant you’ve become, not from others but yourself began to walk alongside who you want to be and who you truly are as if you’ve become two separate entities? Remember when you were so naïve into thinking that you’d never experience all these emotions as you were so entuned to your body and mind. The revelation that you’re only a mere human begins to clarify all your fears about the world. Conflicted by decisions you know you should make but, know will cause you pain and heart ache. How happy can you really be if you suppress the true nature of yourself to please others.

However, can I ask someone to change for me knowing I can’t change for them? To what extent do I believe my own lies that every decision I have made wasn’t instigated by an external factor which keeps me in check. Knowing that I’ll never know the benefits of the decisions I didn’t make haunt me. Especially as I have begun to live my life in a limbo of what if’s. I have devised a coping mechanism some may perceive it as awful that I push people away without recognising what they could bring and fulfill to my life. Even though, I understand the benefits of life experience my mind focuses on what can they take away; Everything or nothing, my dignity, my happiness or they might bring to light my worst fears. We will never know.

I have become relatable now that everyday girl with everyday problems consumed by my own choices sitting here writing so fluidly about my first world problems. I feel stupid but, then I remember those inspiration words everyone has their own problems no matter how big or small just don’t become consumed by them. Well I’d like to point out it’s not that easy love. So, let’s delve deeper into confines of my mind unleashing my deepest fears and desires. I am never going to ask for help but I want you to just help me! Don’t take no for an answer and hold me, just hold me. I just want to feel the warmth of someone so maybe I can warm my frozen core.

I’m a husk of myself realising that you’re not invincible and these emotions you suppress will soon reconnect with your conscious mind. Thoughts you thought were buried individually battling your inner psyche for acknowledgement. The daunting realisation that events which you believed to have no correlation with your emotions begin to link and form a disgruntled pattern to unravel the path that has led you into feeling this way. You begin to formulate a compulsive nature whereby, you begin to whisper a concoction of lies to ease the feelings and emotions you’ve tried to bury. trying to make myself understand that I want this not that I ended up like this. It’s unhealthy trying to become the ruler of your world trying to navigate and command what happens to you in life. Its crazy that anyone believes that they can always control the outcome or the narrative you begin to manipulate things and dedicate yourself into trying to analyse every potential scenario its unhealthy being a dreamer in constant loop of a reality you’ve formulated because creativity is not just a fleeting thought but a constant loop of my thoughts.