Murder

You turn on your television and there you see crime scenes, autopsy reports, 48 hours of a manhunt. But no one gets to see us. You don't see me. News stations swarm us until "justice" is served, but then we are left to stay silent in our pain because it is for some very strange reason not talked about. Something many people don't understand is that homicide victims, like the warriors such as my brother Joshua, who held his hat in his hands and bowed his head to pray before he was shot multiple times to his very death, or their killers. They aren't the only ones that you all should be seeing. I am a homicide victim. The pain Joshua felt in his heart as he clung his hat to his chest has now been given to me, to each and every single one of my family members and friends who are each still suffering and surviving in our own painful way. There is no recovering from murder. There is only surviving your new life without your loved one who died in such an unexpected, horrific manner. People find murder so intriguing... until it smacks you straight in your face and kicks you in your gut, you then come to realize that murder doesn't only happen on your TV screen. It comes like a ghost in the night and it takes you away. It steals all of your happiness and it stays.

So to bring light on the many people who suffer and survive every waking moment of being a homicide victim. Here is my view. Here is our story. Murder should have no pedestal in anyone's mind.

Murder.

Well, you have received the word

The murder of your loved one

You quickly lose feeling in your legs

And as you collapse onto your knees

You will grab at your chest heart now broken piece by piece

You lose control and scream out bloody murder

Now knowing that screaming bloody murder is not only just something people tend to say

It's the kind of scream that made people run towards me from blocks away

thinking that I was the one losing their life

Until the officer kindly waved them on

But very little does anyone yet know, that I have.

In my reality that not every person can possibly understand.

I truly have.

The pain was more then all the pain I've ever felt in my life combined.. And it doesn't ever stop.

Instead it grows like a vine.

The world around me went blurry, it spun out of control and turned upside down

The panic set in and came quick like a tornado to devour me

You will kick, scream, rip at your clothes and not sleep for days on end

With no recollection even four years later

That pain has never left

That pain will shape and become everything that you are

Trial time and the images will haunt you

At first every second of every day

Then for the rest of your life

Images of your loved one

So haunting

So very haunting

That I ran out of the court room doors as fast as I could while the court room cried

To violently puke in the cold bathroom stalls.

Alone wishing that I, instead had died

The pain of murder never gets better nor does it go away

There is no happy end to ever be in your sight

You will whole-heartedly believe that justice may exist in facing these

Cold hearted monstrous souls

And boots laced

Head on

Sure as shit

You will!

To instead find that life as you knew it before

Like a vacuum has been completely and utterly sucked from your lips

You now very well know

That no justice in this wicked world Could possibly exist

The blanket of death

Will silently cover you and your cold broken heart

PTSD will take control and it will shake you like an earthquake again and again

There is no where to turn

There is no one ever coming to your rescue

So here you stay

Stuck in tunnel vision

Oblivious to all around you

Now all you know

Is the chaos you have witnessed

And It becomes your every single day

Trauma takes anything you ever were

It swallows you

Then leaves you on a devastating rollercoaster of emotions

As you find yourself stuck trying to gain back some sort of control

There is no light in this darkness

You have no choice but to adapt

No choice but to try and survive this nightmare that now surrounds you

No choice but to never stop enduring this crippling pain

That has now become mostly all you ever get to feel

Here in this darkness you now call home

You drop like a feather

Weightless and continuously

You fall to your knees

And search relentlessly

As if you are in a panic

searching for glasses so you can finally see

To feel a hand that pulls you up

But always immediately leaves

You will die inside

But the fire of fight you have learned

Through blood, sweat and tears

WILL NOT let this kill you

You are here

And there are many

In this unanswered agony that feels like the very pit of hell

But you will continue

You must endure

Accept

Adapt

You MUST survive this

Because no one in this world yet knows what truly awaits us on the other side.

So here, we fight💕