Moments

There are days when I am good.

I will genuinely smile, laugh, crack jokes, hang out with my friends, sing at the top of my lungs, dance around like no one cares. Because I am making up for the times when I care.

These days can turn into weeks, possibly even months. I feel great, and everyone knows because it shows.

But then there will be a day. A moment when there are rocks sitting in the pit of my stomach and I want to throw up.

Moments when a sock on the floor makes me bawl.

Moments when a falling leaf makes me want to sit on the ground and contemplate life and death.

Moments when I am sad. Moments when I am lonely. Moments when I am lost.

And I don't just mean sad. I mean a soul-sucking rainbows are monochrome gray if I move from my spot on the floor where I have been crying all the tears that need to be wept for the past three hours I will never feel anything ever again, but oops too late for that mind-crippling sadness.

And I don't just mean the feeling of being lonely. I mean being lonely in a room of a hundred people and not just any people but those you are closest too and yet still can't shake the feeling that they don't see you for who you are and why are you thinking this way they are your BEST FRIENDS kind of knees trembling but no one will catch me kind of loneliness.

And not lost. But the kind of lost where you are panicking because you don't know how you got here, how you are getting out, and are sure that no phone, map, or compass will ever help you out because you can't be lost if you never knew where you were going and no one will ever find you including the few friends you still have and I bet they have already replaced you with better friends and why can't I just pick up a phone and call people just to talk for no reason but to talk like a normal person for once in your life why were they ever friends with you again kind of lost.

And those moments. Those moments are gut-wrenching tear jerkers. Too bad you don't have any tears left. And I don't mean the ones your pillow absorbed last night at four AM because it's the only time when you can without people judging you. Because the problem is, you have an ok life. Compared to most it's pretty good. You are alive anyways, aren't you. But then there are moments when that isn't enough. Moments when you shock yourself because you wish you weren't. Oh how you wish you weren't even born. But then again, I guess if you think of it enough, it's not that shocking anymore. Is it? I mean the more you think about it the more it makes sense. It's not like you asked for this anyways. And it's not that you would do something but if something were to happen; would you mind? And if you just said no then you understand. You understand those days. Those moments. Those moments when you feel at your weakest.

Those moments, you are actually your strongest. Because you get past these moments. These days. These weeks. Months. Years. However long it takes you. But as long as at some point you go back to those moments. The good ones. And no, you will probably not always remember that one time when you laughed because you saw someone dancing in their car. Or that one time you smiled because someone texted you first. That time when the tears in your eyes aren't from anything but being happy. But you have those moments, and that's what makes life worth living. Because when you have a less than ordinary, sad life, it's important to remember the extraordinary moments.