Memoir of a Dark Time

My body is like a rock

And it hurts everywhere

"Oh, you should stretch to help relieve the tension."

That sounds great, but it doesn't do much when you're perpetually holding your breath and your muscles simply won't relax.

I need to relax.

"It looks like you're relaxing lying there."

That would be nice

I'm always pleading and pleading with myself to just let go.

I don't even care if I go off into some crazy trip...as long as I finally get a release.

But my mind and body are just relentlessly holding on so tight.

I can't let go of my fear.

Fear of things I've forgotten, or that I've messed up, or that I may never figure out.

If only I could freaking sleep sometimes.

I would be able to function and everything wouldn't be so insane and hard.

The cycle would stop.

Oh, no! I can't sleep right now...what about that!? And that, and that.

Ok, ok, write them down. Now is the time for sleep.

I need a distraction.

But Facebook is so depressing. Everyone living their normal lives, with their day to day routines, smiling and laughing all the time. I want to be happy for them but it hurts. They are so ignorantly and blissfully oblivious to my reality.

I don't think this is ever going to change.

I don't see much hope for ever being normal again.

Or being ready for or worthy of a romantic relationship.

I don't think there are many people who have gone through what I have.

Thank Goodness.

But why does the now have to be almost just as bad?!

Like I've been saying, it's just like a different type of torture.

And sometimes I really miss the fairly comfortable life I had towards the end.

Not that I'm going to go back, but you know.

Now everything feels like a struggle both internally and externally.

Now my dad is destroying himself supporting the three of us.

I need to get a job, but I can barely focus on day to day life and make mistakes and forget things all the time.

But I have to.

I've done it before but that's when I was normal.

I have to; I feel like I can't but I have to, I have to, have to, have to, have to!!!

I've got to stop being a burden and apparently I'm hard to be around much anyway.

I need to get out of here; they need me out of here...

But I might just drag the co-workers down if I even managed to pass an interview and get hired.

That's a joke isn't it...hmm...I'm really in the way and bringing everyone down...

**visions of steak knives in the kitchen and using a shoe lace around my neck**

*siiiggghhh*, I know, I can't do it... I can't throw the gift of my life away... But it's sooo hard to believe that I could really be strong enough to handle this. It's Hell in my mind and body and it feels like it's never going to end.

I know, other people have gone through it too. I'm thankful for people who can relate.

But sometimes I just wish that I didn't have to feel guilty about the idea of ending my life.

You know, like how I used to think "It's my life! I can choose whether to end it or not!" But I've really realized since then that it doesn't just affect me.

I almost ended it that day.

I almost did a few times recently.

I don't think anyone understands how serious I am.

That was traumatizing the last time. I grabbed the knife out of his hand!

Geez... I need help, I'm at a loss. I need help so much right now. So, SO much... every moment.

I need help to persevere.

I need help to sleep... God, I just want to sleep.