Marriage Vows

You don't love me.

Pause. Sigh. Tear.

Yea, I hear you when you profess to me when you think I’m sleepin'

And I see you every. single. solitary time you text me “my love”

Of course I feel you fingering ‘true love’ on my arm at the grocery store

Mos def I smell you when you lean in after conceding your regard

I taste your success because you call it ours

Shudder. Mumble. Tear.

I’ve been in love before, I know what love is

Love is inviting me to a family cook out and having me sit at a table (by myself) with random family friends who keep asking me how do I know you. Love is if anyone asks you who I am you counter “oh Q? Thats my home girl. She good people.”

If you love me, like you say you love me, then how come you introduce me to your friends AND family and strangers, while holding my waist, with definitive words starting at girlfriend which developed into love of my life? Re-introducing me to people I’ve known for years like “you remember Qadriyyah right? Of course. Thats my lady right there.”

Scoff. Smirk. Tear.

This world is tough. This world is hard. This world will eat you up and spit you out. Ain't that what they say? Love is just like that, too. How can you honestly say you know what it is to love at all, let alone love me, if when I cry you hold me up and ask the beat of your heart to calm down my chaos? Makes me wanna learn your language so you don't have to translate for me so much. It's not helping anyways. When you translate “I’ll take care of it” to “I’ll take care of it” I still hear “I’ll tell you what to do and watch you do it.”

Sniffle. Hiccup. Tear.

Love hurts! Not the 'my face hurts from laughing so much or smiling so much or kissing so much kind of hurt' you and I know enjoy together. That's how I know this isn't love. My heart is whole. My soul is recognized. My spirit is adored. My accounts are joint.

WHO CALLS THIS LOVE?!?!

How I ended up here .?. In this dress .?. By your side .?. Making these promises .?. When I told myself

even though this feels right it doesn't feel the same so as soon as you get an out take it. First time he asks if you love him say no.

You never asked.

Kept reminding myself

this feels good but different than all the other times so first time he says ANYTHING to you about your children and they daddies tell him you ain't gotta defend yourself and your choices to not no one.

You never said.

I pointed out to myself

just because this feels exactly like what I’ve always wanted it's nothing like what I’ve been through so first time he tells you how you’re wasting your potential and asks when are you gonna make something of yourself...

You never told.

You did ask

Are you happy?

Do y'all wanna go somewhere today?

Would you like a massage?

Gaze. Chuckle. Tear.

No. This isn't love. You don't love me and I damn sure don't love you. I promise I will never love you. I ask you promise me that you will never love me either. Love doesn't work. Let's do what works. For us.

Tear. Tear. Tear.