Marlboro Lights

I left the movie tear-filled,

head down, watch your step

breathe in, breathe out

The sticky floor gripped onto my Vans

It’s a ghost town — not a single soul in sight

But someone is watching me

The fluorescent bulbs above sting

my eyes squint, trying to adjust to

the brightness

Everything’s so lit up in here; there’s nowhere to hide

My eyes look red + beaten

The first layer of makeup on my face has been washed away

I feel so vulnerable

Text to Mom:

I couldn’t handle it.

SEND

I left when I saw him hanging from the ceiling fan

Because part of me thinks that could’ve been you;

if things were different

The drinking. The pills. The rehab.

I keep seeing flashbacks in the bathroom mirror.

All of the times we picked you up

because the pills made you limp in your chair

All I could think about was you.

Crying on the subway home might be the most pathetic

People stare + talk to their friends

with looks of pity and confusion

they can all tell, you know

you face away from your best friend

so she doesn’t see the tears