Lunar Eclipse

As I watch the clouds around the moon get red I felt the clouds around my head open up. My feelings started running marathons. Every thought seemed to get faster and faster like something blocking them finally opened. Like the pistol shot off into the air and they started running trying to burst through the finish line to be the most important. The events of the 18 years coming back like a tsunami. Waiting, watching, moving. Flowing to me quicker than I could prepare for. The walls I have worked hard for years to build stood no chance on standing. The chance of higher ground was not an option.

As I felt the night get colder and the wind pick up I began to shake, not for the cold but for the fear of myself. What was I becoming? What was I doing? How could everything just keep going wrong? Every drop of pain flowing back through my body as I felt it like it was the first time. Every event playing through my eyes as a movie would. Every single word, thought, and feeling went through me without a chance of stopping.

I looked at the stars hoping for some feel of relief. Repeating over and over in my head “if the stars can shine bright when dead and in the dark I can shine bright when dead and in the dark.” That didn’t stop anything. The stars were supposed to shine bright when dead, that’s how they are chemically put together. But me? I am not put together like that.

I am put together to feel every little thing immensely deep. I am put together to forget until it becomes too much. I am put together to cry when I am sad. I am put together to laugh when I am mad. I am put together to smile when something good is happening. But am I really put together for everything to go so wrong?

As I saw nothing happening to the moon I couldn’t help but think “I just want this one thing to go right, why isn’t it going right?” I heard myself begging for even the smallest thing to happen to the moon. I saw myself reaching for my phone and researching everything, maybe it was not supposed to happen tonight? But alas I was wrong once again. It was supposed to be tonight and I should just wait because maybe it hasn’t reached its peak. I couldn’t help but to have given up.

Even though I had a marathon of feelings and a tsunami of thoughts going on in my head, I couldn’t help but feel numb. I tried to reason with myself saying “it’s just the cold.” I knew it wasn’t just the cold though. I knew it was not because I didn’t bring enough blankets or because it was February. I should be crying, breaking down, screaming at the moon like a wolf. But, I just felt numb.

As I picked everything up off the ground I couldn’t help but feel like a zombie. I told myself that I was probably just getting sick, it is flu season after all. But I knew that that wasn’t it. You see I have felt this numbness many times. I feel like my life is finally on track and then in a matter of minutes I feel nothing but everything. I walked in smiling at my family joking that it was too cloudy but I couldn’t help but tell myself that they didn’t care. In reality no one cared. Yes, I know that was not true but at this moment all I could feel was a marathon and a tsunami, no light at the end of the tunnel.

As I sat in the silence craving noise but at the same time hating it, I couldn’t help but try to understand. What was the point of everything? Everyone says that you go through something for a reason but I have not stopped going through things. One thing after another, constantly revealing more pain. Maybe it was to test my strength? Maybe it was to push my buttons? Maybe it was to make me tired.

That’s what I am, I’m tired. Maybe that’s why nothing happened to the moon, the clouds were just too tired to move. I wish I could be like them and it be okay if I didn’t move. In this society though, giving up is not an option. Graduate, go to college, do something with your life. There is no time for feeling. There is no time to break down and cry. There is only time to make everyone around you proud.

As I sat in my room wondering why this happened just by looking at the moon. I can not help but to hope for the next eclipse to come faster. Maybe then everything will be okay. Maybe then everyone will be happy. Maybe then I will be happy. I can’t help but hope that like a lunar eclipse this sadness will only last a couple of hours, but I knew that wasn’t true. This sadness will most likely last a lifetime.

I guess you can say that this piece of literature could be a poem, or a diary entry, or even a chapter of a book but I can only say that this piece of literature is just a lunar eclipse.