Low Cholesterol Loving

My doctor said I’ve the weakest heart,

And I told him he’s damn rude,

"what do I not give enough?"

He said “too much salt on food”

So he gave me pills and prescribed me drugs,

measuring thing on my chest,

Said “come back in a fortnight”

and “try and eat your best”

so I went a way and came back,

with fat at an all time peak,

he said “how have you gotten worse, my friend?”

I said, “I’ve had a dreadful week”

“I was fit and lean, no reds just green,

To my girlfriends for a favour,

I said “I was round but lost a pound”

and found her fucking the neighbour,

I cried my flipping eyes out,

I was more than just annoyed,

I punched the guy right in the face,

and went to fill the void,

pound land sweets and costa cups,

In like a fish to batter,

Talking of batter, ate the chippy,

And now I’ve just got fatter,

Well all this shit's caught up to me,

They’re not just harmless sweeties,

go on doc is it heart disease?”

“And type 2 diabetes”

“I told my ex she’s fucking evil,

and that she should start a cult,

She said, “I’m sorry that I have no heart”

and I said, “You should eat less salt”

So now I’m home here all alone,

I’ll grab a snack and hide,

got halfway to the kitchen,

had a heart attack and died.