Love, the Girl with Issues

trigger warning: mentions of depression, suicidal thoughts, self harm

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i told you i had issues

but that doesn’t even scratch the surface

i am empty and too full at the same time

i feel numb because i have so much pain inside

i feel worthless, useless, hopeless

i hide how i feel but i want people to notice

my silence is screaming “help me”

i scratch and tear at my skin and i call myself names

i am my own biggest bully

suicide awareness was always about kids bullying other kids

but what about the kids who bully themselves?

the kids whose hands shake and hearts hurt

the kids who are told to smile

told to be happy

to be grateful

for what?

for a miserable existence full of hating, hating, hating everything about yourself?

when i brag about myself

i do it for attention

i need attention because i’m lonely

i need to feel loved, to feel useful

to feel needed

you said you never would have thought i had these problems

i joke and i laugh to hide my true intentions

but my eyes drift off

showing my true feelings

my cold emptiness and my searing pain

i don’t know how you see me

what you see in me

and i will always doubt how you feel about me

because i never feel comfortable in my own self

i take up too much space

i don’t add to the scenery

i’m not interesting enough

i never ever feel like i am worth anything

i feel like i don’t exist to anyone

not even myself

i’m not real

this is all just an elaborate plan

a new form of torture

sometimes i feel like colors are too bright

and my hands aren’t my own

my head feeds me lies

fears and flaws

telling me this is all fake

all a dream

so what’s the point even trying?

i’m just a bunch of atoms

those atoms could be put to better use

and yet sometimes

just sometimes

you’ll say something nice

or look at me with those beautiful eyes

the way you smile with your soul

and i feel like maybe

just maybe

i exist