Love Isn’t Always Love

Growing up....

You want to feel wanted...

You want to feel needed...

You want to feel loved...

It all should feel as if you already have those...

You feel the need to try to fit in...

So you’re rude to certain people...

You’re hateful with people who actually care...

You only wanted to fit in, what was the harm you think...

Once you did that, you pushed all those amazing people out of your life...

Not knowing you was doing that, you kept doing it...

Once you realized what you’ve done it’s too late...

So this is where it started...

The pain of not feeling loved came from my parents...

I have the deepest love possible for my mother...

So deep that every time she would beat me I would still feel the need to love her even more...

The time she almost killed me, I still loved her...

The times she told me to my face I would never be anything, I still loved her...

The times I would come in between her and her boyfriend who beat her...

My love was still there, never went away right...

I was tripped loving someone who never loved me...

It tore me apart...

It’s ruined my relationships...

I never let someone love me like I did my mother...

I could never let someone in my life like that again...

I could never imagine caring for someone so deeply again just to get hurt again...

My love for anyone is like a ghost....

It’s there but they can’t see it...

I tear myself up knowing what could happen...

What could potentially happen from letting someone in...

Not being able to control how love will turn out is hard for me...

Growing up as a child not feeling loved by their parent...

The one person who is suppose to love you no matter what...

It wasn’t there for me...

I felt so lonely even though I had a brother and a sister...

It just did not feel right talking to them about it...

So I kept it all inside me...

I even had a therapist...

I could never open up to my therapist...

It wasn’t that I didn’t feel safe doing so...

I just couldn’t see them take me away from my mom no matter what she did to me...

She was my everything...

A love so deep it literally ruined me...

Or as I feel as if it did...

The hurt that I still feel today is buried deep inside me...

I act like it doesn’t bother me because I’m scared to show my emotions or even talk about them...