Love After Damage

Constantly taking so much more than I should.

I’m constantly forgiving and forgetting.

Constantly treating people who have hurt me like they never crossed me.

I give second chances again and again in hopes that during one of these chances I would be enough for the cycle to end.

I give until I have nothing and even then I give until I am nothing.

There are no limits to my devotion once I decide to care about you.

But constantly being used and manipulated really takes a toll on you.

I keep treating people like they have the same heart that I do when my heart is too big for anyone else to handle except me.

I know I deserve more but constantly settle for less because I don’t know how much to ask for and always assume I’m getting their best.

I’m growing tired and colder.

I’m trying to put myself first but I don’t know how to be selfish.

If only I could figure out how to be devoted to myself instead of everyone and anyone else.

I spent all my time invested in one person, trying to make them better and bring them success.

But come to find out you were lying to my face and doing cocaine behind my back,

Oh wait let’s not forget about the Percocet.

I was so oblivious so blind to every piece of proof in front of my eyes,

I didn’t want to believe that the man I loved would ever do that to me.

But joke's on me, you’re right you got the last laugh and I’m sitting here alone looking so stupid.

I get word on the street that you’re robbing everyone in order to get the drugs you need and no one is safe,

You took from your family and burned a bridge that you needed in order to stay clean.

You took advantage of me.

Now you’ve surrounded yourself with addicts but I guess that’s your kind of people because you never changed just put on a facade.

You threw that dirt on my name saying you should have cheated on me when you had the chance but oh wait didn’t you already do that?

So I guess you meant again?

I was told to let it go and forget about it because it meant nothing but it sure stung like a slap to the face.

I spent three and a half years wondering what you saw in her that you couldn’t find in me.

I remember one night I was sobbing myself to sleep drowning in my tears and you said to me,

“Will you shut up? I can’t drift off, you’re too loud and it’s like a fucking alarm clock.”

I’ll never forget that or the time you told me I was worthless because I accidentally made a mess.

Or the time you told me that I looked fat in that one dress I thought I looked pretty in.

Now I’m thinking about it and you damaged me in more ways than I could ever imagine.

There’s so much more but I have it embedded in my brain that you didn’t truly mean the words you said and you just were angry.

And the good memories haunt me more than the bad ever have or ever will,

Because I know you never truly loved me, just the materialistic things I could provide so getting high was your only worry.

Because drugs have always come before me.

Do you even remember half of our memories?

When I thought your allergies were just really bad and you had stomach ulcers but really you were just withdrawing?

When I was packing my things in order to leave you and you put my clothes in a suitcase?

Holding the door open for me as I kept hoping you would wrap me in your arms and tell me “Baby wait, please stay.”

But you didn’t, you let me go and I sobbed for hours while you were probably getting so high you were out of your mind.

I sat there hurting with a broken heart while you were snorting a line of coke.

It killed me to walk away from you, felt that I had abandoned you.

Except our whole relationship was based on lies, based on betrayal and the knife that you left in my back.

Screw you for doing this to me.

Because this has killed me in a million ways.

I want to you to know how much I hate you.

I should have never fallen in love with you because in the beginning you showed me who you were,

I should have believed what was in front of my face because no one is capable of change when they say they’re changing for you and not themselves,

Because I know good and well I’m not worth the effort to work towards a better day.

I begged and begged you to think of me to love and care for me and not once did it ever last, you never gave a fuck about anyone but yourself.

And now I’m here so damaged because I realized I don’t know how it feels to truly be loved and I don’t trust a damn soul to try and teach me.

I don’t miss you but you took four years of my life away and you robbed me blind, I’m grieving over the loss of time.

And I’m falling so hard for a guy that I’m trying to push away because I’m not convinced he won’t cut and run.

He seems so genuine but I’m still on guard with my hand on my gun ready to pull the trigger if he pushes too much.

But instead he’s taking his time and I think he’s gaining my trust.

I’m so scared to admit that but I can’t help but believe him when he says that he’d do anything for me and I mean so much already,

Except I can’t tell him that because if he knows how I feel he may leave me and then that’ll just be another mistake I made added to the ones drowning me.

But when he tucks my hair behind my ear and kisses me tenderly, the only thought I have is that I never want to go without that.

When he runs his fingertips across my back to put me to sleep I can’t help but relax.

When he kisses my neck I can’t help but lose my breath.

When he makes me laugh I can’t help but think I’m falling in love with him but how can that be possible?

I’m too messed up to love, you made sure of that.

But here I am giving him my whole heart and nothing less.

Even though it’s in pieces he’s showing me every day how to put them back together and how to love again.

It’s so hard to comprehend why this man loves me and looks at me the way he does.

I don’t know how to take it because In a way it hurts.

I just wish I could be the person I was before you so I wasn’t so damaged.

I don’t know how to talk to him.

I don’t know how to confide in another person.

I’m trying to love like I’ve never been hurt but I’m here with all this baggage trying to handle it all on my own while he stands there with his hands outstretched.

I can’t ask for help though, you taught me that.

I’m broken down and drained because you took everything from me but at least I have him to try and get it all back.

I’ll never be the same but maybe that’s a good thing.

He pushes me every day to be a little better than the previous.

When I’m not with him my anxiety spirals out of control I have your voice in my head telling me that I’m not good enough,

Telling me that I’m not worth the time of day to sit down and talk to me,

And of course that no one will ever love me because I’m too much for anyone.

And then the memories of going through every tragedy alone just about kill me.

I could never sleep next to you, insomnia took over my life drove me to the brink of insanity

While you just told me to make sure to be quiet so you could sleep peacefully.

Everything about us was hectic but with him I found my safe place, my calm, my reciprocated love.

Now I sleep and I believe him when he tells me he loves me,

He never tries to suppress how I’m feeling only wants to get it out in the open,

Now he’s the one I love,

He’s the one I’d go to the end of the world for,

He’s the best man I’ve ever met.

I hope one day you grovel at your feet begging for me back,

Just so I can kick you while you're down so you can get the sense of what I experienced that entire relationship.

Your loss was his gain and he takes care of every piece of me.