Loss Not Yet Gone

I’m mourning the loss of a man who hasn’t yet died

He’s one who has left a hole that can’t be filled

Though I will try

He destroyed what I thought I could have

He left me with doubts and a heart that was content to settle

I didn’t know I deserved better

You hurt me and left me

Though you chose to stay

I paid the price for the choices you made

I know I’m better off without you

I know I will grow stronger

But there’s always that hanging thought

A lingering, almost memory

I’m more than thirty and the pain it causes me is more than real

It haunts me in the way I raise my kids

In the marriage I stay in out of fear of loss

Out of fear of disappointment

Out of fear of failure

You were supposed to show me how to love

Who would be worthy

Instead, you taught me to be unworthy of respect

But you didn’t win

I refuse to let you win

I will be something

I will be better

And even though the hole still exists

I know I can fill it with my self-worth

I will mourn your loss and let you go

To me, you’re long gone