Lonely

as a kid i thought the world

was this carnival that had all

your favorite rides and concession stands

with all your favorite candy

all your favorite foods

and all your favorite friends

were there having fun with you

i am nineteen going on twenty

the world wasn’t what i thought it would be

this carnival was a disparate hell on wheels

the carousels were abandoned buildings

the grass turned into crackling concrete

the sky went from blue to grey

the rain was swapped with splotches of human blood

it rained discharge instead

golden showers, golden showers

but, but, but…

i had to let go of this childlike mentality

i once had at the age of seven and toughen myself up

so this world wouldn’t come get me

but i was got anyway

i was got from the day i was born

i never wanted to be born with a development disorder

i never wanted to have my heart stepped on

i never wanted my momma to abuse alcohol

i never wanted my dad to die from an overdose

i never wanted my aunt to die from cirrhosis

i never wanted any of my lovers to cheat on me

i never wanted to become a victim of bullying

i never wanted them delinquents

to jump me by the movie theater

i never wanted a potential price put over my head

i never wanted to become somebody’s target for death

lord, i’m sorry

i know i ain’t pure

i ain’t innocent

i let you down

i let everyone down

i ain’t good

i ain’t good

i ain’t good

i am trash

i am a monster

a menace to society

i ain’t good

i ain’t good

i ain’t good