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I'm not scared
I'm not scared of dark alleys
Of the men whose shadows follow me
Of the cat calls that chase me into the light
I'm not scared of failing school
Or disappointing my parents
Or the anger I'll see in my mother's eyes when she's ice cold
I'm scared of seeing you
I'm scared of remembering when I was happy
Because happiness is a quiet kitchen with your arms wrapped around me
It's your voice whispering, "I love coming home to you"
I'm scared of seeing you on campus
So powerful and broken at the same time
So determined to make yourself known and yet quiet at the same time
I see through your sense of invisibility because it calls to my colorful mind
It reaches through my darkness and gives me an addition that I promise makes everything better
I'm scared of your sunshine
The smile in your voice and the passion behind your eyes
The ones that are blue when you're sad
I'm always blue without you
But I keep it trapped behind the walls that keeps the world out
The wall that keeps the fear buried because I'd rather the word with blood and agony than spend another day with your absence
I'm scared of seeing you without me
I'm scared that my love, my soul, the entirety of myself that I had never given to anyone else so freely, means nothing to you.
That you'll view it as a shadow, a whisper, a memory that you would rather overlook than think deeply about
But I'm not scared of dying
Because it's an absence that I can take without you.