Let's Go Back

Lets go back.

Let's go back, a while ago when I was 12 or so

I thought it would be better to say I was a guy, than acknowledge the fear I held inside

I liked girls. Which was widely viewed as wrong.

It made me feel like I didn't belong.

I felt alone

I felt scared

I felt widely unprepared for the views of the world

Let's go back to the time I was 16

In my house it was about the lord and the church was the keeper of his word

in that basement of the church, I faced a demon of my own

but we'll omit the part where he thought it would be fun to mess around, that doesn't need to be shown

Let's go back to my first time taking a tempting sip of alcohol…

The years I don't remember from the drug induced haze ….

Lets go back to the day I told my parents I was gay

The force of the windex bottle taking my breath away was lessoned by the words that followed:

“You're a queer now?!”

What a not-so-sweet 16...

Let's go back to the nights I spent solidarily scavenging the streets for a place to rest

Homeless because I feared the place I had once called home

Homeless because I couldn't bare the pulsating pain I believed they felt

Alone again

Cold

still scared

But I was finally free, finally me.

Here's the not so dark side of my tale or what some would comprehend as still a struggle.

I'm free.

Let's go back to a single phone call to my dad, after years of not finding a safe place to rest my head

“Dad I need to come home, I can't live this way anymore.

I can't change who I am but I can stay clean.”

His reassuring words still ring.

“I don’t have a problem with who you are, I just want to walk you down the aisle some day.

Dont worry about the other people in your life, the ones that matter are here to stay.”

With that being said I made my way home.

Let's go back to when I started watching this show

A show with two moms and a big family, the kind of life I've always wanted.

Stef’s storyline started fitting my life like a puzzle finding its last piece.

At the time I started watching the show, I was falling in love with an amazing woman.

As women we knew it was “wrong” to be together in this world.

When Stef told her ex she was in love with Lena

She made sure he knew it was not his fault.

that was what I needed to say to the man I was with.

Lets go back to the night I told him.

The fear flickering in my fractured sole.

Let's go back to when I knew there was no going back and everyone had to know.

Now let me take you to the feeling of love and freedom.

The support I got after I was out to the world.

I pushed a restart button to my life.

I gained a whole new group of friends, a whole new family and best of all a wife

the love of my life! My love, my love, my love!!!

Or at least what I thought would be the love of my life.

You see sometimes love can be only one-sided or at least feel that way.

Let's go back to the feeling of it was my fault because that is what they would say.

Let's go back to the feeling when I felt like my life was better off when it was taken by a knife

Let's stay here where all this has passed and I can breathe!