Last Night

Yesterday, I held a knife to my own neck screaming for God to stop me

Just to test him

or maybe just to test myself

Could I do it?

He didn't stop me, I stopped myself but for all the wrong reasons

I held my head down and once again asked nicely for those voices to leave my head

But they NEVER listen, they laugh

I should've pulled the knife away to spare everybody's wasted tears they would've shed

but at that point, I couldn't care less about anybody else's feelings

I could only think about that baby only 40 feet away from me

softly breathing, expecting to wake up and see my face

I had to force myself to put the blade away and wipe the tears that kept dripping down faster than I can make them disappear

In this moment, I knew it wasn't weakness that made me stop what I was doing

because before, I hated myself for not being strong enough to just end it all

I realize the love I had for this baby was greater than anything I ever felt before

I only hope he never knows what this feels like

I hope he never has that need to experience everything in the world because

Let's face it... Nothing is as it seems

it's a dangerous, fucked up place here

Maybe I should stop thinking too

These thoughts exhaust me and all I want to do is escape

but instead, I won't

Maybe this time, i'll stop trying

I can't tell you for sure if i'll ever change my mind about this

Only because I'm stubborn

and I refuse to believe in the lies you try to force down my throat until it chokes me and the only way I can defend myself is if I do your job for you, I can finish it

leave it to me

I'll always be my own number one threat