Kissy, Kissy Make Up, Tammy Kay

Healing from a painful and difficult childhood, you will pass through many phases of feelings. They will come and they will go. Memories will come back to you, sometimes many years later. Some things will never change. This poem is a poem written by a daughter, remembering the very few tender moments she ever had with her mother.

Child sexual abuse in a family is a nasty and debilitating secret that is kept behind closed doors. Many young girls are never able to find their way out of their hell hole. They still have to go to school. They still have to do their homework and try to make good grades. They still have to carry on with other peers, and sometimes they act like they are fine.

Some girls are born with a trait that is buried deep within themselves and they fight it until the end. They tell and they tell, again; even when no one listens. They stand up to the wrong, and sometimes they are the only person in the family that is taking their stand. The outcome can be devastating when the mother chooses to not stand with her. The daughter will lose, not only her mother, but her siblings and herself along the way.

This little poem is a fond memory of one mother's way of trying to weave in a little bit of affection to her daughter. Maybe they had a fight. Maybe the daughter had come to her to help her, once again, and the mother failed. Still, the mother (in her twisted way) loved her daughter and this may have been her only way of showing that love for her daughter.

She would come and sit down on the side of the bed.

She would want to make up.

And she would say, "Kissy, Kissy Make Up, Tammy Kay."

It may not be much compared to other daughters and their relationships with their mothers… but when this is all she has to hang onto for a sweet moment memory… she hangs on.

Kissy, Kissy Make Up, Tammy Kay

There was a thing that mommy would say

when things weren't going her way

she would give me that mommy look

and that was all it took

at that moment she loved me

When we would fight or we would cry

when there was no real reason why

she would then hold me so close

it felt like mommy-daughter almost

at that moment, all was okay

How I miss those special words now

why it came this far, I don't know how

for our lives have been torn apart

there is so much pain in our hearts

at this moment nothing's okay

I wonder if, when she is alone

and when her heart feels like stone

does she whisper those words so sweet?

if I would go half-way, would she meet

at that moment, to make it okay?

I will keep her so close to my heart

and will always hate us being apart

but the choices that she makes

is for sure, not what it takes

at any moment, to make it okay

She turned her head and she walked away

wouldn't accept what she knew I would say

I can't change the mistakes she has made

all I can do is just wait and pray

that she just might be okay

But my devotion will remain the same

I will always cry out her name

I don't want her to carry her shame

in all truth, I throw no blame

and to me, that is okay

For no one knows about her past life

and I am sure it wasn't so right

she told me once the secret she had

but in her mind, it wasn't so bad

that's so sad because it wasn't okay

How could I expect a sacrifice for me

when her life she had, I wasn't to see

maybe she knew no other way

and probably wasn't taught how to pray

to ask God to keep her okay

So, I will be here with my open heart

I will be waiting for our new start

I will pray for God to touch her soul

and ask Him to show her which way to go

to help her to be okay

We both have years left on this earth

and to me, she did give birth

I know that time is on our side

there has to be more than the tears we have cried.

someday we will be okay.

(Written on August 8, 2002… and I still wait.)

(c)levislace/kadeegracepublishing

The mother never did forgive herself, even though the daughter had forgiven her and had pleaded that she forgive herself. The damage that the mother continued to wreak on her daughter is an ever-lasting pain that will never heal. Forgiveness is there for a reason and the longer a person waits to forgive them-self, the longer their loved ones will pay.

I wrote another poem that I turned into a song about that very subject.

It is below:

If You See Her

If you're out there and you see her

tell her I want her to be free

tell her that I know how her heart must ache

and I forgive her for all of her mistakes

If you can see my mother's eyes

and the tears rolling down her face

would you tell her; if I could, I would stand in her place

Forgiveness comes from within

way down deep in your heart

not being able to forgive

will keep your loved ones apart

And even when you forgive

and they remain in their sins

if you see her, tell her once again

from me… forgiveness comes from within

If you're out there and you hear things

tell her for me that she'll be okay

would you tell her that she'll hurt as long

as the games are being played

would you tell her that I tried to hold on and do it all her way

would you tell her that I miss her… every day

Forgiveness comes from within

way down deep in your heart

not being able to forgive

will keep your loved ones apart

and even when you forgive

and they remain in their sins

If you see her, tell her once again

for me… forgiveness comes from within

A daughter's love for her mother never dies. It doesn't matter what that mother has done or not done. There may be anger and even hate at times for certain reasons. But, the daughter will always love her and will always try to find a way to feel like she was loved back.

"Kissy, Kissy Make Up, Tammy Kay" was the only tender moment she ever had with her mother. The daughter was removed from the home when she was 16. They were apart until she was 25. They had a few years of seeing each other only when the mother would sneak away from her husband long enough to spend a little time. Then they parted ways again and didn't see each other ever again. The mother has passed on without seeing her again.

A little ironic... the unhappy life at home together for 13 years. Then they were torn apart for eight more years. Then they had a few times of seeing each other. Then from 2004 on, they never saw each other again for another 13 years.

Never ever believe that hidden secrets in a family will not corrupt the family and the relationship for the rest of their lives. It is like a decaying body from a ravaging disease. Forgive each other and help each other to forgive themselves while you have the time.