Just a Thought

I can only fall since I’m not allowed to fly,

I can only remain silent because laughing isn’t right,

And I can only smile since I’m not allowed to cry.

I wish I could say this out loud but...

You only care for me if I lie

Because the truth is too much for your eyes.

I can see the shift to darkness, the fading of your smile

It happens when the flaws you thought were hidden are actually beaming with light

That’s when you defend

You defend with tears and wailing, but I can see right through your act

When you see this simple play doesn’t faze me, a spark ignites and you react

Names, insults, and threats are thrown my way, all thickly coated with bitterness and hate

You said that you loved me, but how quickly that changed

As you pile on every mistake that I’ve ever made.

One’s that I knew and ones that I did not

One’s that are fresh and ones, so old, I’m surprised you haven’t forgot

All of them I’ve admitted to, apologized, and since then moved on

But I knew you lied every time you said something had been ‘squashed’

Tell me I am stupid and that my thoughts are wrong

Make excuses for your actions and continue to babble on

Then laugh in my face when my tears escape

And threaten me with words like “I’ll kick you out if you don’t ‘behave’.”

I know I deserve better and I need to leave, but it’s not that easy when you just turn 18

When you’ve been extremely restricted by adults who clearly don’t care

Then are blamed for their mistakes when the consequences they have to bear

I can’t lie anymore and say I’m not jealous of my friends

And I know they go through hard things too, every family bends

But I’ve never seen a disrespect and hate so great until I saw those same eyes when I was eight

You had me believe I was worthless, deserving nothing more than the insults and threats you gave

I try to forget them, but my PTSD won’t allow it

It comes when I least expect it, when I’m happy and ok

And especially in moments that remind me you haven’t changed

Like when you tease me about my weight, get up in my face, scream over my words, and raise your hand to connect your palm to my face.

But I want to say thank you for your actions, for the hate

Because I grew up striving to never be that way

I’ll never care that much about myself

Or put someone through pain to get back at someone else

Your are a walking example of a person I’d never want to follow

And breathing example of a person I’d never want to be

So to my mother, the one who was suppose to hold and care for me,

But instead, branded me as a problem, saying her life had been better off without me

To my father, who knew his wife wasn’t right,

but supported her, to the end, so as to never see her hateful eyes

I will fly, I will laugh, and I will cry; because I am a person who deserves to live their own happy life.