Jumbled

The pain starts behind my eyes, travels to my chest where the ache becomes unbearable. Raining isn't just a feeling this time. It's actually pouring outside and I see from the rear view mirror, my last glimmer of hope fading. Chasing after me, the demons finally catch up. Wagging his tail still shedding some light. Something so pure and innocent. How could I do this? How did I become the monster in my nightmares? Maybe it was me all along. Why didn't I do more? I can feel the salt inside, but I will not let it over flow. Joy was just a shimmer of scales, just look towards the light. Let it consume you. Colors fading, nothing more than a shadow you threw some paint on. Hiding behind the mask of smiles and the denial that you are going to be good enough. Wrong questions I have asked, wasted time that should have been kept. Can you feel it now? The weight that I can't lift. I thought maybe if someone helped me it would be released just enough time for me to get out from under. Instead they fall into the trap that I keep placing and soon its back. The feeling of doubt, loneliness and sadness landing deep inside my chest, harder and stronger each time. Why won't you just let me sink? Sink in the blood that once was to save me. That is right because the earth is a sphere and every time I go to drown, you help me, pain released. And how do I repay you? I drag someone else down. I want to explain, I don't want anyone to help me because I can't help myself and that only leaves devastation. The pounding deep inside just keeps pumping blood through out, we call this a heart. Heart,... heart,.. what is a heart? It's human. It starts out strong and pure, later it turns into nothing more than a machine. You can't feel it pumping the life through you anymore because you are numb. Numb to the fact that something held to be so pure is destroying you inside to out and you will never be able to stop it. Then when you least expect it something happens you can't explain it. It starts to boil out of the cracks of the skin, soaking disaster all over the floor. Seeing shades of red to black, black to red. I want to think the pain will end. It has to.